Record: 17-16 (0-3 yesterday)
We pulled the plug on that awful Nuggets-Timberwolves Game 5 when Spencer Jones had that dunk in the third quarter. So that was the quitting point but it was frustrating and hard to pay attention to this game much earlier than that point. How did this Nuggets team become so unlikable? Oh wait, we know. Their despicable Owner Oligarchs. We’ve made that point enough.
What really pisses us off about this unlikable Nuggets team is the existence of Spencer Jones. He plays like someone who would rather have one of those corporate office jobs from the 1990s. Zero creativity. Zero balls. Spencer felt cute and actually attempted open shots instead of immediately passing out of them during Game 5. He attempted threes that were not exclusively in the corners. Whatever. We’re dismissing Spencer Jones and we’re dismissing the Nuggets. It’s not a respectable team. Fuck the Nuggets.
6 stocks from Spencer. That’s never happened before. Fitting in with 1990s corporate work culture, Spencer found it within himself to contribute to the group project at the latest moment possible when he was doing nothing but chit-chatting about the weather at the office water cooler. Spencer only does anything resembling “honest work” when the executives are straight-up present to witness the “work” that the office lackeys have been doing for the past four weeks. Only at that moment does Spencer Jones discuss his share of meeting slides that he made with Microsoft PowerPoint. Spencer Jones worships Microsoft Office tools. The only internet browser that Spencer Jones would ever remotely consider using if the built-in browser that he sees on his company desktop. That’s “Edge” for people who have functioning dicks. God, Spencer Jones is the worst. Spencer Jones worked for 30 years wearing a suit and tie, talking about the weather and how difficult it was to get babies to fall asleep before retiring with a pension. One of Spencer’s favorite things to do is talk to other people about how important it is to utilize company-contributed savings plans in order to responsibly pay for college.
“Hey Jim, I know you’re a smart guy. You maximize your 401k contribution, but did you know about the 529 plan? It’s a savings plan that the company contributes to in order for employees to pay for their kids’ college! So little Jemma can go to State College and just be focused on her coursework! I do it for my kids, Jim and let me tell you, it really made saving SO much easier! Actually, I set up my weekly paycheck to AUTOMATICALLY set aside a small portion to be put into my EMPLOYEE 529. Isn’t that amazing, Jim! And now Charlie is going to Georgetown on a full-ride! Oh well! More for Claire! Really, Jim, I strongly recommend it. And if Jemma gets a full-ride, you can just roll over the amount into a Roth IRA for her! That’s what I did with Charlie!”
No one ever says anything to Spencer during their water cooler meetups. That makes the interaction take longer. Since everyone is an empty 1990s office worker, no one has the dick to say, “Spencer, I don’t want to talk to you anymore.”
If the Nuggets come back in this series because Spencer Jones starts playing with force and determination, I’m going to be really upset.
Lord Voldemort felt compelled to get two blocks in Game 5. Evidently, running up on Jaden McDaniels for scoring with time left on the game clock was the genesis for the Dark Lord to play a modicum of defense. Please tell me that the Dark Lord is injured. Please tell me that the last few weeks of the preseason, where the Dark Lord was getting 40-20-20s, were just something that happened, and were not a testament to the Dark Lord’s ability to play like his usual self when the season started. Please tell me how the Dark Lord is this person who doesn’t pay attention to all the trappings of success and didn’t rush back prematurely from Spencer Jones fucking up his knee so that the Dark Lord could make an “All-NBA” team. Hey, Lord Voldemort, how about you fly back to Minnesota and make 4 three-pointers? Can you do that? Fuck!
Guys, Spencer Jones had 20 points and Donkey Cam Johnson had 18! Holy fuck, that’s not happening again! In a game with zero pressure, where every hand was hitting 21, Donkey Cam Johnson went 2-7 from three. Fuck everyone who said that Donkey Cam would “adjust” to playing with the Nuggets. Goddamn, when Donkey Cam Johnson makes a three, you’re like, “Go ahead Donkey Cam. Take more of those, please. I fucking love when you shoot open threes. Bitch-ass snitch. Do it. TAKE THAT SHOT!”
How was Donkey Cam Johnson good on that Suns team that made The Finals?!? If Chris Paul had never lost his knees, would he have been a better player than the Dark Lord? Even without knees, Chris Paul beat that Spurs team in the first round, and Lord Voldemort has never beaten a playoff opponent as good as those Spurs.
Really, that’s what I’m doing. That’s what we’re doing. We’re litigating the Dark Lord’s place in our hearts. We’re questioning everything because of how soft this Nuggets team is and how angry we would be if the Nuggets came back and won this series because King Leonidas tore his Achilles. Fuck the Nuggets. They better not bring back Nagini to tear his Achilles. The coach that Josh Kroenke took off the rack at the Dollar Tree better not fuck that situation up.
I can not wait to see the Donkey Cam Johnson and Spencer Jones get STDs (Scared To Death) in Minnesota!
Quick sidenote. I just watched the highlight from the Magic-Pistons game. Jesus Christ, that dunk was shocking and so nasty! Fucking Austin Rivers sounds like one of those three-year-old boys who get really giggly and excited whenever their dad helps them do dangerous stuff like throw ten feet in the air for pool dives. Look at how Ron Holland involuntarily starts getting squirrely in his seat because he just saw Jamal Cain end Jalen Duren! Ron Holland is on Jalen Duren’s team!!! LMAO! Jalen’s teammates can’t hold in their dismay at how he’s getting dunked on! Jalen Duren is beyond dead. He “bet on himself” this year and his preseason stats were amazing. He’s been terrible against the Magic and after the Pistons Coach gets fired, Jalen is going to sign with the Nets for a contract that makes it difficult for a team to build a playoff contender with him. Oh, and the Magic have an amazing crowd. They always have. Portland, Orlando is not.
Jalen Duren is so freaking over.
CELTICS 🍀 (-11.5) over Sixers 🔔
- Listen, last time I picked the Sixers and Ebola Embiid was doubtful. If I knew that Ebola Embiid was playing, I would never have picked the Sixers. Dad caught the beginning of their last game and said that Ebola Embiid has never looked fatter. We’re riding Dad’s scouting report. We’re not picking the Sixers if Ebola Embiid is playing.
Hawks 🦅 (+6.5) over KNICKS 👖
- I don’t like picking the Knicks to cover at home.
SPURS 🤠 (-12.5) over Trail Blazers 🌲
- Yes, I’m watching this game instead of the pivotal Game 5 in NYC. The Wembanyama is playing. Dylan Harper is playing. We’re watching the Spurs if they’re playing. We’re going to witness their journey.
