Spurs Are Winning the Title. 40-Point Swing Buries Portland

Day 10

Record: 17-13

🎶She fill my mind up with ideas 🎶

🎶She saw my eyes, she know I'm gone 🎶

🎶I see some things that you might fear 🎶

Seeing and feeling how things are going to play out in the future is uncomfortable. It’s a burden. Being in charge sucks. It’s a responsibility. It’s something that you have to live up to every day. But you’re compelled. You have ambition. You know how things should be, and if they aren’t so, it chips away at your being.

So, together, we step forward. With The Wembanyama. With Dylan Harper. With Stephon Castle. With De’Aaron Fox. With Catholic Hammer. With Elon Musk. The Spurs are our team of this year’s playoffs, and they are winning the championship. We aren’t scared of what we see. We see the Spurs as the best team.

Did we say that the time after game 2 would be the highest that the Blazers’ fans got in the room for the foreseeable future? Of course we did. Listen, we’re unlikable. We objectify women on these broadcasts based on only their looks. And by the way, what are Taylor Rooks, “Zora Stephenson”, and Allie LaForce writing on Medium about? What are they poignantly discussing like Catholic Hammer is when he goes on his blog and makes a written case against ass and titties at Atlanta Hawks games? What are all these women doing to show themselves as thought leaders and not thot leaders? You tell me! OK, egregious meandering over.

But yeah, we’re going to take all of our “unlikable asshole” energy and we’re firmly placing it into the Spurs bandwagon. There is a decisive Hawks-Knicks game 5 on Tuesday and we’re going to politely tell that game to fuck off because the Spurs are going to close out the Blazers that day (obviously we only watch one game a day). The outcome of that Spurs game might be decided but the journey is not. We’re going to witness all of this path that The Wembanyama walks through. He is The Chosen One. The Buddhist monks bestowed that honor onto The Wembanyama when he made his offseason sojourn to China. The Wembanyama knows.

What we witnessed in the second half of the Spurs-Blazers game 4 was the most excellent stretch of basketball that we’ve witnessed this playoffs. The Spurs are amazing. There was a 40-point swing between halftime and the final horn. Yes, the Blazers were up 17 at halftime and lost the game by 21. It sucked the soul out of Portland. Now, we have our doubts about the aptitude of Trail Blazers fans, but even they understood that the Spurs are inevitable. That was a building that came to the realization that it’s over and there’s nothing to do but just watch excellence. Excellence that is against them.

Why do we doubt the Portland faithful? Well, we didn’t hear any “Fuck Tom” chants on the muted broadcast. Shout out Doris Burke. She’s an automatic mute. With all her fancy talk about roundball. Can’t have none of that. But in addition to not publicly shaming their Oligarch Owner for being a disease of a human being, that crowd left early. That crowd looked comatose for the entire second half. Even considering the impossibility of victory, the home fans should have been a little more animated than what we saw. And leaving early? That’s disgusting. You’re not making a statement. You’re not letting yourself watch The Wembanyama and that’s retarded. Maybe just enjoy being in the presence of a playoff Portland team? Maybe take the time to start a chant shaming your oligarch? Goddamn, but leaving early? In Portland? That’s libtard mess if we’ve ever seen it. That’s the demise of the American Democratic Party.

The Blazers aren’t good enough, and we’ve been beating that to death. Cuckold Clingan made one three over the top of The Wembanyama in the first half and then missed the five following threes that he attempted in different ways. God bless Tiago for empowering Cockold Clingan to attempt those shots but CC’s three-point allowance needs to be revoked.

More importantly, it needs to be noted among the Blazers front office how jarring it is to watch my Ghetto Lovechild come into the game and have obvious pick-and-roll chemistry with Bear Jew. Chemistry that sharply contrasts with Cuckold Clingan’s inability to catch an alley-oop, let alone convert it around The Wembanyama. Cuckold Clingan needs to be “sold high” this offseason. Sold high, and packaged with one of the terrible contracts that the Blazers have so that they can better build around Bear Jew. Ideally, Jerami Grant, who for once in this series made shots and didn’t get a shot blocked into the upper deck by The Wembanyama. Best case, Jerami Grant. Worst case, Shaedon Sharpe.

Not Scoot Henderson. Don’t include him in any package trying to excise Jerami Grant or Shaedon Sharpe. Scoot absolutely made an ass of himself by missing every shot he took in Game 4 after getting a technical talking mess to Dylan Harper in Game 3. And Scoot absolutely has culpability for the feeble Portland rebounding effort. But we kind of trust Scoot to dribble and be a part of an offense (so, unlike Shaedon Sharpe). We kind of like how Scoot seems physically able to go to war and talk greazy (so, unlike Shaedon Sharpe). Now, Scoot absolutely sold Portland a bill of goods that he couldn’t physically back up when they drafted him third, because he’s not explosive enough or enough of a shot-maker, but he’s fine. Portland can have some fun knowing that Scoot and Bear Jew are soldiers.

Now, please tell me that Shaedon Sharpe is athletic. Please tell me that he can get his shot off when things aren’t going smoothly on set offensive plays. Please tell me that Shaedon Sharpe was a high draft pick and that he has talent. Please!

Did you see Shaedon Sharpe jump into the courtside seats biting on a pump-fake three by The Wembanyama? Did you see the multiple possessions where Shaedon got the inbounds pass and jacked up a midrange shot without a single pass on the possession? You can’t fix that lack of awareness.

Shaedon Sharpe played 13 minutes in this game and that’s because he’s not a mentally or physically tough person. Damning, I know. But can someone improve that? Did Ben Simmons? Did DeAndre Ayton? The punks are usually dressed up with great physical traits and obvious super-athleticism. That’s Shaedon! He needs to be traded. But he wears those sick Bruce Lee Kobe shoes! He’s got “drip”! Shaedon’s drip looked really cool when Dylan Harper ripped the ball out of his hands in the first half!

"I assure you, ladies and gentlemen, no matter what the others promise to do, when it comes to the showdown, they won't be there."

That’s enough Blazer Talk. This is about the excellence of the Spurs. My God.

Who made this Spurs team? How did one person make this Spurs team for The Wembanyama and this other person gave Spencer Jones, Donkey Cam Johnson, Shellshocked Christian Brawny, Jonas Valanciunas, and Tim Hardaway Jr to Lord Voldemort? How can two roster-assemblers in the NBA be so dramatically different?!

There’s De’Aaron Fox, who remembered who the fuck he was in that game. De’Aaron is a playoff killer. Don’t deny that. Don’t forget that.

There are a certain set of actions that have to be done, but when those movements are executed, every De’Aaron Fox three feels automatic. It’s quite strange but De’Aaron needs to be off-balance when he shoots. Stepping back with a live dribble. Sometimes it looks like his legs are bending and going in different directions, but when those triggers are implemented in the correct sequence, you can see De’Aaron’s muscle memory kick in and his mental blocks go away. 28 points on 17 shots. That’s because De’Aaron was making threes in Game 4. Threes, not free throws. Because for free throws, De’Aaron can’t take the weird steps and shimmies that he needs to activate his subconscious. Players like that are sometimes tough to play with. I know there is a guy in adult league basketball who plays like that and let’s just say, we have an unspoken agreement to play against each other.

But why were the Spurs down big at halftime? Well, they didn’t seem to be playing serious offense. Elon Musk went into halftime and clearly said whatever needed to be said. He’s a good coach. Strange face, and all. He plays people who deserve to play. He empowered Carter Bryant. He’s been empowering Julian Champagnie to come out and play better than every Nugget.

Unserious? Well, The Wembanyama was letting Jrue “Bug Eyes” Holiday goad him into taking fadeaway midrange shot attempts. There weren’t a lot of passes in halfcourt offense. Those were the big signs. The lesser signs were how the Spurs were taking easy shots during the first half and just missing them. Watching it, you felt like the Spurs just weren’t taking the game seriously, which, considering how the second half played out, could definitely be the truth.

Did Elon Musk just tell the guys, “Hey dipshits, we have The Wembanyama. We’re going to have The Wembanyama set screens and we’re going to through the lob. That will always be open. After that’s established, we’re going to get layups without the lob. After that, we’re going to spray kickouts to Julian, Devin, and fucking Keldon Johnson. Got that?! Good. And for fuck’s sake, target Cuckold Clingan every second that he’s in the game. Goddamnit, I’m offended that Coach Tiago even puts his bum ass out there on the court. Now let’s get out there and remind these niggas who the fuck we are!!!”

Yeah, that lob to The Wembanyama is stupid. There seemed to be four straight possessions where the Spurs got an alley-oop to The Wembanyama. That play is unguardable if the defense respects the surrounding three-point shooters. And they shoot respect those shooters because Champagnie is automatic. Devin Vassell is an excellent CATCH-AND-SHOOT three-point shooter. Keldon stays behind that line and launches grenades. Even Dylan Harper is starting to become a knockdown catch-and-shoot player. We love Dylan Harper! Have we mentioned that Dylan Harper’s only made basket during that game was Dylan making a layup where he isolated against Bug Eyes (who is supposed to be an excellent on-ball defender) at the top of the three-point line and bullied him into the basket for a layup where Dylan went through Bug Eyes’ body? Now we did!

Who did the Nuggets draft over Julian Champagnie? Christian Brawny. OK, that’s not egregious, but they could’ve bought a second-round pick to get Julian and they didn’t do that. So let’s blame Josh Kroenke for his mental disease of cheapness. Let’s move the goalposts to fit into our story that Josh is a retard and he ruined Lord Voldemort.

Really, that second half was a tour de force of Spurs talent and execution. Interspersed between the eight lob dunks to The Wembanyama and the De’Aaron dribble stepback threes, were occasional Keldon Johnson coast-to-coast layups and Stephon Castle layups. There was a rebound opportunity between Toumani Camara and Keldon Johnson that Keldon won. The shorter Spurs players have been beating the Blazers to rebounds for the whole series and that needs to be emphasized. Especially Keldon, Dylan Harper, and Carter Bryant. Obviously The Wembanyama and Catholic Hammer dominated the glass. What would you expect against Cuckold Clingan, who can’t even catch the rebounds that he manages to get his hands on?

But really, that second half was about De’Aaron and The Wembanyama. Does The Wembanyama dribble during his free-throw routine? Listen, as someone who closes out games in Adult League Basketball, I’m a certified free-throw expert. The Wembanyama does the shoulder shimmy that Durant does. That’s important! You need to do that! The Wembanyama also does the extremely important “take a big breath and relax yourself”/”feel the silence and attention” breath. That breath is extremely important and I definitely have closed out games against the previously mentioned guy who needs to dribble into shots. The Wembanyama is so good it’s stupid. But it’s also great to watch.

That dust-up after Stephon’s and1 layup between Bear Jew and Stephon was great. Stephon needed to do that thing with the ball because the Blazers were fouling a bunch and the dipshit refs weren’t calling them. At that moment, Stephon needed to show some leadership and send a signal to the Blazers that said, “Y’all think y’all niggas fine? This shit is going to be nasty! Go ahead, hold me. Hold me and eat this dick.”

We’re right there with you, Steph. These are war times and if you keep doing shit like that, you’re going to be a wartime president.

And Bear Jew obviously had to channel all of the hate in Israel into his face and really want to take Stephon’s head off for that act. The postgame explanation from Bear Jew gives you goosebumps. He sounds exactly like how he plays. A goddamn soldier.

Tiago Splitter was calling timeouts during that third quarter and the avalanche resumed the second that gameplay resumed. It was a frightening display. The Spurs are the highest in the room.

Pistons 🚗 (-2.5) over MAGIC 🪄

- It’s too difficult to imagine the Magic going up 3-1.

Thunder ⛈️ (-10.5) over SUNS ☀️

- Blah, blah, blah.

Timberwolves 🐺 over NUGGETS ⛏️ (-11.5)

- LMAO, 11.5?!? I care that King Leonidas died. I don’t care that Anthony Edwards died. Still, this Nuggets team has Spencer Jones, Donkey Cam Johnson, and Shellshocked Brawny. I’m not picking them to win, let alone cover this insane spread.