Record: 18-18
“Nino, you won’t believe this, I got the craziest email yesterday.”
“...”
“Someone asked me whether or not you and I were cool with an NBA player attending Thursday’s Mat Pilates at the Pier class! That’s crazy! I guess their agent found my email from one of the media posters our Pakistani marketer has been circulating on the Facebook! What do you think?”
“Who is it?”
“... Uhh… Donovan Clingan.”
“Nigga! Ain’t no cracker ass Cuckold Clingan coming to class. Shit’s crazy. Fucking faggot can’t catch a fucking pass. Nigga ain’t shit. Fuck that nigga. Goddamn. Nigga got me mad as fuck right now. Fucking goon ass nigga! We ain’t having no cheesy faggot like Cuckold Clingan at class! Tell the agent that they can fuck off and go pay some Pilates Ho twenty racks to get that nigga on a program or some shit because we can’t have our name on CC’s bum ass!”
(Our protocol is that Nino freely uses the friend form of the N Bomb to address me in public, and that I only reciprocate when it’s just us together or we’re around real friends whom I trust to have fun with words with. Mah nigga!)
“Nino, you know I love when you use the nicknames! Alright, cool! I was a little worried about seeing him when I wrote all that mess about him and it definitely felt like he would be a distraction during class. Alright, no problem, I’ll share some Pilates Ho contacts who I met during ACE Group Exercise accreditation. Damn Nino, I guess we’re really living by our principles that not all money is good money.”
“Mah nigga, the class has always been free. What you mean?”
“Just a figure of speech, Nino. But yeah, you read those write-ups?!”
“CC, I read all your shit. Shit’s hilarious. Keep doing what you’re doing.”
“Thanks Nino!”
Yeah, Cuckold Clingan is being politely told through email and intermediaries that his presence is not welcome at Mat Pilates at the Pier. What’s even crazier than Nino and me rejecting the presence of a starting NBA player is that I think some of the Glazer family members attend our class and I’m pretty sure that Nino doesn’t recognize the family members of the Buccaneers ownership. Really, I’m not sure what is more unexpected: Nino not recognizing the Glazers (whose name is prominently shown at the location where class is held) or the Glazers being willing to follow Nino’s expert Pilates instruction after he left a Bucs game shirtless. Crazy.
But yeah, take a wild guess at what happened in Game 5 of Spurs-Blazers! Blazers got ran through the second the game started and the game felt over after 3 minutes. The Wembanyama’s dad was in attendance and the outcome of the game was so obvious that he was getting distracted by his phone during the fourth quarter just like we were. There was the fakest of comebacks that happened during what we believe was the beginning of the fourth quarter. We’re not entirely sure because our attention was even more divided than The Wembanyama’s dad. But upon replay review, the Blazers got the deficit to 12 through the two threes that Cuckold Clingan managed to make among his 7 attempts, a made Sidy Cissoko three, and Jrue “Bug Eyes” Holiday’s only made three of the day. No, that inexplicable three-point barrage did not lead to anywhere meaningful. It only led to more minutes for Cuckold Clingan. 27 minutes played for Cuckold Clingan!
27 minutes that started with Scoot trying to throw an alley-oop over The Wembanyama to Cuckold Clingan! First of all, that’s an impossible pass. Terrible decision by Scoot, who has really made an ass of himself after that dipshit ref James Williams gave him a technical foul for gesticulating too crazy after making a layup around Dylan Harper. The lob to Cuckold Clingan hit the top of the backboard and did not touch Cuckold Clingan’s hands, where the ball was unlikely to be gathered anyway. If Cuckold Clingan wasn’t such an obvious ass, Scoot would be getting some guff for being completely impotent on offense, as demonstrated by The Wembanyama completely ignoring Scoot’s open thirteen-foot jump shot just below the foul line. The shot missed with The Wembanyama looking at the rim while Scoot was rising up to shoot.
But really, Cuckold Clingan is such a pussy. A pussy and a poser. The pussy part was exemplified by this possession, where Cuckold Clingan had some open space to the rim from about eight feet away. But The Wembanyama was at the rim so Cuckold Clingan never even looked at the rim and elected to take a dribble before passing out to one of the many feckless Blazers shooters in the corner. They missed. Cuckold Clingan did not take that opportunity to lay it all on the line and at least try to make The Wembanyama not look like Prime Shaq. We’re pretty sure that Nino Brown has that sequence internalized. Have people really been saying that Cuckold Clingan would be some kind of physical presence and resistance against The Wembanyama? If so, that’s crazy. The Wembanyama just got done wiping his ass with him.
There was this interview of Cuckold Clingan sometime between the first and second quarters. He said that the Spurs were “making shots that they don’t usually make”. He said that in a broadcast interview! Oh my God! That is so distorted from reality. Is Cuckold Clingan’s family in Maine one of those Trump loyalist families who still have their Trump bumper stickers even after the Iranian girl’s school got bombed and gas prices rose a dollar and fifty cents overnight? Because that’s what it feels like when Cuckold Clingan says some retarded shit like the Spurs are making shots that they don’t normally make. Shit’s embarrassing.
The Wembanyama didn’t give a postgame answer along the lines of “Yeah, Cuckold Clingan started dribbling the ball at the three-point line and he doesn’t usually do that so we let him just dribble it off of his leg before picking up the ball and starting a fastbreak.” The Wembanyama didn’t have a postgame interview where he calmly laid out the facts that we just witnessed about how Cuckold Clingan is out of his depth against him. No brilliant contrast to the obvious, straight-up delusion that Cuckold Clingan gave us in that interview. Gross.
Guess which player six inches shorter than Cuckold Clingan absolutely stuffed him at the rim on a TWO-HANDED dunk attempt? Here’s a hint, the player has stuffed Cuckold Clingan before in this series in very obvious fashion. Here’s another hint, the earlier block immediately followed Catholic Hammer blocking Cuckold Clingan at the rim. C’mon, you know who this is! It’s Devin Vassell! Devin Vassell absolutely emasculated Cuckold Clingan on a block at the basket! Again! Cuckold Clingan has a giant Kick Me sign on his back right now. A Kick Me sign that might not get taken off if Portland starts thinking clearly and trades him this offseason to a team that needs a “big”.
These games get into the second half and if Cuckold Clingan is on the court and not benched for my Ghetto Lovechild or Sidy Cissoko, The Wembanyama starts trying to get Cuckold Clingan on his playoff highlight package by crossing him up. Seeing The Wembanyama cross up dudes never gets old. You never see that and stop being incredulous that The Wembanyama is doing that.
Really, it’s kind of miraculous that this game was even mildly entertaining, considering how bad all the Blazers are at offense besides Bear Jew and my Ghetto Lovechild. Jrue “Bug Eyes” Holiday had another one of his trademark offensive clunkers. He had one sensational shooting performance but aside from that, he has been who we thought he was on offense. Getting chased down for blocks by The Wembanyama and missing almost every shot he attempted. On defense, Bug Eyes has been quietly retired. Getting put in the spin cycle by The Wembanyama on a live dribble. Obviously, Dylan Harper sees Bug Eyes caught guarding him and takes that as permission to intersperse balletic spin moves around Bug Eyes’ calcified joints and straight-up going through Bug Eyes on these forays to the rim. Dylan Harper and The Wembanyama both treat Bug Eyes like a human piñata. It kind of makes you queasy seeing Dylan and The Wembanyama put on public elder abuse like that but then you remember that the “Fuck You Got Mine” Boomers have closed their eyes and let billionaires become centi-billionaires and you calm down because maybe your grandpa will see how obviously Bug Eyes is getting humiliated and understand that it’s time for him to take euthanasia.
Dylan Harper is the best Spurs’ ball-handler. OK, fine, De’Aaron Fox is, but Dylan will be the best very soon. Game 5’s made Dylan Harper field goals included 3 dunks (one of which was an and1), a stepback three over Toumani Camara as the shot clock expired, and a layup that he smoked Matisse Thybulle for. Dylan Harper is so fucking good. Oh my God do I feel good about buying all the scouting groupthink regarding his potential when I scouted last year’s prospects and declared him second-best!
So yeah, The Wembanyama put a lid on the basket and started trying to put Cuckold Clingan and Bug Eyes on his Hoopmixtape, and Dylan Harper had another game that made you stand up and clap while watching. Did any other Spurs player demonstrate excellence? Of course! This is the Spurs we’re talking about! Not the pathetic Nuggets team that asks Spencer Jones and Donkey Cam Johnson to score 20 points!
Julian Champagnie had a frightening heat check. Jesus Christ was he rising and firing. You watch Champagnie take shots and you wonder how Christian Brawny plays these games where he only attempts five shots with two being threes. Yeah, Champagnie goes out on the court wanting to shoot. It was a big deal that Black Falcon was benched for Champagnie during the regular season and that is another testament to the brilliance of Elon Musk’s coaching abilities. How Champagnie went undrafted is crazy. His swishes are so clean. Both his and Devin Vassell’s swishes are different. Those are swishes of certified marksmen.
Champagnie was on fire! He didn’t shoot 83% from three like The Wembanyama did in that one game but he got to 71%! 5 made threes from Champagnie and 1 courtside fan who he high-fived. Hopefully this trend of home team players celebrating with fans will continue. Shout out Ayo Dosunmu!
Have we mentioned that The Wembanyama didn’t miss a free throw? He didn’t miss a free throw. The Wembanyama should actually be the Spur who takes the technical foul free throws that the Spurs receive when the opponents crash out because The Wembanyama has 5 blocks at halftime. He is their best free-throw shooter.
Who do you think the Blazers player was who tackled The Wembanyama on an and1 dunk in Game 5? It wasn’t anyone who did it previously. Ghetto Lovechild! Yeah, we were surprised too!
A surprising amount of Spurs fans left the game early which was disheartening. David Robinson was not one of those fans though! David comes to these games by himself and sits with regular people! David watches every Spurs game just like I do because we both recognize that this Spurs team is special and we want to watch all of their journey. Unlike Tim Duncan who just wants to go to a cuckold party with Cuckold Clingan.
We used The Google Machine to make sure that the woman sitting next to David Robinson was a random fan and not his wife. It seemed to be a regular fan. But that process was the reason why we missed the fake comeback that the Blazers had courtesy of Cuckold Clingan, Bug Eyes, and Sidy Cissoko making threes. “David Robinson wife” shows you a picture of Craig Robinson attending a Hollywood afterparty put on by Susan Sarandon with a VERY attractive woman. So then you google “Craig Robinson wife” and realize that his current girlfriend has major league implants and is about 25! Craig Robinson is a great actor. A funny dude who was also in Mr Robot! Craig deserves that situation, unlike Bill Belichek.
Did you know that “Craig Robinson” is also the name for Barack Obama’s brother-in-law who coaches college basketball!?! We didn’t put that together.
Yeah, this Blazers team needed to leave the playoffs. Goodbye, Bear Jew!
PISTONS 🚗 (-9.5) over Magic 🪄
- Yeah, we’re taking the Pistons. If we’re going to watch any of the games today, it will be this one.
CAVALIERS 🤺 (-9.5) over Raptors 🦖
- Lol, this series is going to go seven games and we’re not going to watch a single one.
LAKERS ⭐ (-4.5) over Rockets 🚀
- Hopefully Austin Reaves doesn’t play because if he’s close, he needs to wait for the Thunder.
