Record: 27-27
Timberwolves-Spurs was a bloodbath and we told you that it would be a bloodbath. When Chris Finch gets back to being serious about winning when we get back to Minnesota and gets back to matching minutes with French Rejection and The Wembanyama, we’ll get back to being serious about our creative endeavors.
Before we list out all of the fake trades that Nikola “Tom Riddle” Jokic is too pussy to demand, we have to thank Scott Foster for calling an offensive foul on Stephon Castle for what we believe was a pushoff that happened right in front of Scott. That’s why Scott is the man. He’ll call an offensive foul on a home team player when it happens right in front of him with zero visual obstructions. Thanks, Scott. Now go out there and foul out Stephon Castle in 20 minutes. Stephon is calling all of the dipshit refs little pussies when he goes out there and does all of the off-ball holds, push-offs, and travels when he stops on his last step for 2 seconds. Really, Stephon Castle is making a mockery of the dipshit refs. Shout out to the 2024 NBA Draft. Wouldn’t it be wild if mah nigga Terrence Shannon ended up being the best player from that class?!
Oh, Dylan Harper is That Dude. He’ll be the second-best Spurs player next year. My fantasy basketball owner will be forced to draft him before he’s ready. Him and Julian Champagnie. Who shoots better in the NBA than Julian Champagnie?!?! Him and his spider web elbow tat.
These all work in Spotrac:
Tom Riddle and Zeke Nnaji to the Rockets for Sengün, Finney-Smith, Reed Sheppard, Clint Capela, 2027 Round 1 BKN #1-30, 2027 Round 1 HOU pick #1-30, and 2029 Round 1 DAL #1-30.
- Tom needs jungle athletes like Amen, Tari Safari, and Jabari. Steady Freddy can stay and be a little thiccy who doesn’t make Tom do everything like Limp Dick. The Durantula stays! This Rockets team would be too litty!
Tom Riddle and Zeke Nnaji to the Jazz for Lauri “Terminator” Markkanen, Ace “Faggot” Bailey, Cody Williams, 2026 Round 1 UTA pick #1-8, 2027 Round 1 LAL pick #5-30, 2027 Round 1 MIN pick #1-30, 2029 Round1 UTA pick #1-30.
- Tom would be good with Jaren Jackson! Wanna let Walker Texas Ranger come back too? Sure! Let’s do it! Tom gets Keyontae George. That’s very fun! One problem with this is that the Jazz do not have a lot of NBA players on their roster. Will Tom make Bryce Sensabaugh into someone who averages 18 points and 3.5 3PM?!? Maybe!
Tom Riddle and Zeke Nnaji to the Hawks for Onyeka “Donkey” Okongwu, Corey Kispert, Zaccharie Risacher, Buddy Hield, Dyson “Great Barrier Thief” Daniels, 2026 Round 1 NOP pick #1-30, 2027 Round 1 MIL pick #1-30, 2027 Round 1 ATL pick #1-30.
- The lowest player quality but by far the highest incoming draft equity to Josh Kroenke’s dumb ass. Josh likes the kind of “little engine that could” teams that would feature Donkey Okongwu, Great Barrier Thief, and the false hope of Zaccharie Risacher. They can try to recreate the Ty Lawson/Danillo Gallinari Nuggets team from 2013. Corey and Buddy also help the Nuggets’ three-point shooting reluctance. It’s so funny how they actually need that. Josh Kroenke is so dumb.
Tom Riddle and Zeke Nnaji to the Hornets for LaMelo Ball, Miles Bridges, Ryan Kalkbrenner, 2026 Round 1 CHA pick #1-30, 2026 Round 1 ORL pick #1-30, 2027 Round 1 DAL pick #3-30, 2030 Round 1 CHA pick #1-30.
- 4 first-round picks, and the Airbnb promise that was lost after LaMelo refused to use Full Self Drive and the Magic straight-up punked the Hornets in the last play-in game. This is lowkey a lot of good picks and LaMelo still has some bullshit to sell retards like Josh Kroenke. Miles beating up his ho will be a solid distraction to Josh Kroenke’s mom putting bounties on the heads of Wal-Mart union leaders.
Cavs 🤺 (+3.5) over PISTONS 🚗
- Why didn’t this spread change from Game 1 after the Cavs made me too sleepy to watch? Is there something about the belief that the Cavs won’t turn over the basketball as much as they did in Game 1? Is there something to be said for too many people seeing the Pistons emasculate the Cavs and blindly bet on the Pistons to cover again? Why am I picking the Cavs on the road? Ugh, I guess I’m watching this game.
THUNDER ⛈️ (-15.5) over Lakers ⭐
- LOL this spread stays at 15.5?! The Game 1 was closer than we thought! OMG! OK, I’m just going to keep picking the Thunder to cover and not watch a single game unless the Cavs get dismissed in 5 games.
