Record: 34-31
🎶Mix that Goose and Malibu, I call it Malibooyah! 🎶
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It’s a simple story! The Spurs are an amazing basketball team who we have had the luck of watching for each and every one of their playoff games! The Spurs are the team of hope. Hope against the cheating Thunder!
Seriously, did you look at the 10.5 point spread in Game 5 and think, “Oh the Timberwolves have this series tied and they’ve played a close game against the Spurs. That’s way too many points. Line Setters are stupid for laying this many points. I’m taking the Timberwolves and I’m happy to take them. You’re dumb.”
No, YOU’RE dumb if you picked the Timberwolves. Yes, the game was kind of boring to start with the Timberwolves draining themselves to get the score to even before the Spurs remembered what’s what and got the lead back up to 7. This was before the massacre. I smelled a massacre. Only way to back you bastards up.
Who is the Goose and who is the Malibu that Elon Musk mixed together to give the Timberwolves that MALIBOOYAH in San Antonio? Duh. Dylan Harper and Keldon Johnson. The people who made that 10.5 line, understood that in San Antonio, Keldon Johnson would dogwalk Anthony Edwards. They understood that Dylan Harper would have the loudest 12 points possible. And when The Wembanyama gets support like that (because he won’t get it from De’Aaron Fox), the fourth quarter is going to turn into the Spurs just trying to get highlights. Which is exactly what this fourth quarter turned into. The Wembanyama is the leader of this Spurs outfit and he must espouse those principles during huddles and timeouts whenever the game starts getting out of hand for the other team.
“Amis, la partie est gagnée. Il est temps d'offrir à l'adversaire quelque chose qu'il n'oubliera jamais.”
Now, Julian Champagnie and definitely Devin Vassell understand that they are not a part of the highlight brigade, so they hear those declarative words from their 8-foot Napoleon and understand that for them, that means taking catch-and-shoot threes with zero regrets. Just hoisting those bad boys up.
How did the Spurs become THIS?! Tim Duncan and his wife who was having sex with the at-home personal trainer that Tim employed, were never this fun to watch. At least not the version with Tim Duncan in his prime. The Revenge Spurs were amazing, but that was Kawhi’s and Boris’ team with a generous helping of Danny Green and Tony Parker. No, these Spurs don’t use The Beautiful Game to look good. These Spurs perform wildly creative acts of expert basketball expression. Creative acts, but also acts of strength and grit. Hey, Keldon Johnson!
Did we know that Keldon Johnson was THIS when he won 6th Man of the Year?! No! No, we did not! We’ve established that Keldon Johnson gathers possession of the ball during coast-to-coast opportunities and attacks the rim like he’s on a holy crusade, but in Game 5, he got that ball in the halfcourt and repeatedly sodomized the crippled Anthony Edwards. It’s really jarring to see Anthony Edwards get taken to the woodshed like how Keldon Johnson takes him there. Keldon loves stopping and pivoting around the rim. No Timberwolves defenders double him when he’s there. That’s part of the charm of playing with The Wembanyama. So without double teams, Keldon knows that he has the space to throw his shoulders into a beleaguered Anthony Edwards and get the space to put up a calm layup.
Keldon Johnson doesn’t stop with just Anthony Edwards. Keldon beheads more than just the Timberwolves’ captain. Keldon moves Naz Reid under the basket. Keldon gives bumps to mah nigga Terrence Shannon before pivoting towards the rim (and a backpedaling Terrence Shannon) and tossing up a soft lay-in. Guess who didn’t try to box out Keldon Johnson on both of his offensive rebound tip-ins? Did you say Anthony Edwards? If so, you’re smart and you’re listening to me. Did you say Julius Randle?! LMAO, Julius does not box out and it is actually noticeable!
Let’s say this in simple, working-class plain-speak. Keldon Johnson obviously outplayed Anthony Edwards. Anthony is a hero for playing as well as he has with torn knee ligaments but he’s getting outplayed by the Spurs’ seventh-best player! That’s what makes oddsmakers give the Spurs 10.5 points at home in the playoffs! Jesus Christ, Keldon even had an absolutely humiliating block at the rim on French Rejection. Terrible game from French Rejection. A “bad hands” game. Got stuffed at the rim a few times and bumbled passes. This isn’t Tom Riddle and the Nuggets out here playing rec league, old man defense. This is Keldon Johnson at home!
There was a nasty in-and-out dribble that Keldon had on mah nigga Terrence Shannon that preceded a blocking foul on Terrence. That play will be lost to history because it didn’t end up in a made shot, but it was crafty dribbling from the dude who was emasculating the Timberwolves all night.
The last made shot by Keldon was Dylan Harper’s assist just before Elon Musk finally called off the second unit and put in the third stringers. It was one of Harper’s many highlights. Dylan Harper is loudly declaring himself as the evolutionary Kyrie. That assist featured Dylan do a crossover into a behind-the-back dribble while moving toward the rim (and another defender). Both defenders collapsed onto Dylan but somehow Dylan still maintained possession and a live dribble. Keldon was abandoned. Keldon was found. Dylan Harper could just not be any more obviously the Spurs’ best ball handler.
Dylan’s night started with a tremendous lay-up over the long arms of French Rejection. The ball might’ve touched the top of the backboard on its way into the basket. That was Rookie Dylan Harper scoring over 4-time DPOY French Rejection in the Bestern Conference Semifinals. And it might’ve been Dylan’s fifth-best play.
Dylan Harper is so good that he throws alley-oops to Catholic Hammer and Dylan ends up being the one who scores the ball at the basket. Yes, Dylan scores the alley-oop passes that HE THROWS! That play featured Naz Reid sprawled out on the hardwood and Dylan Harper talking some mess to the Timberwolves before passing the ball that he just scored to the dipshit ref. Dylan Harper is a bad boy!
When people say that Mike Conley can’t be on the court, what they are really trying to say is that Mike Conley can no handle that bad boy Dylan Harper. Jesus Christ, Dylan will get offensive rebounds over Conley and just shrug him aside like Mike Conley isn’t one of those land-holding Boomers who just lucked into living in a time when you could own home equity with a working man’s salary! Dylan is upset about Mike Conley allowing trillionaires to exist and the rest of the centi-billionaires to drive up housing prices by purchasing the mortgage debt in the form of Mortgage REITs. It’s called Direct Note Investing, dumbass.
But not only did Dylan Harper grab an offensive rebound over Old Mike, but Dylan made the putback over Julius Randle! Julius Randle is much bigger than Dylan! Really, Dylan and Keldon are two players who “punch above their weight”. They finish over larger players, they get rebounds over larger players, and they block larger players at the rim. Tremendous stuff. Ten rebounds from Dylan Harper. Five offensive. We’ve said before that Dylan contributes on the boards. He’s a basketball player. He’s someone you would be ecstatic to go to war with. Like Limp Dick, but the complete opposite.
Who was the dude that Dylan Harper put on his personal and1 mixtape before that dunk? Ayo Dosunmu! Goddamn, The Wembanyama reacted to that play the same way that Lord Luka reacted to Kyrie Irving winning that preseason game with that lefty, one-hand hook shot from eighteen feet away from the rim. Two megastars flummoxed by the basketball magic that their costars played with. Dylan Harper really is the evolutionary Kyrie Irving.
Dylan Harper gets the ball in semi-transition and refuses to do anything other than dust the person guarding him in a way that makes you think that Dylan is one of those kung fu fighters who wants to be shapeless like water. When is Dylan Harper coming out with a yellow Bruce Lee Nike basketball shoe with the red slash scars on the side?!
More importantly, what round are my fantasy basketball owner and I going to splurge on drafting Dylan Harper? Last year, we burned an early sixth-round pick on Shellshocked Christian Brawny so that’s our starting bid. Niggas is pussy so they’ll be thinking about De’Aaron Fox in the fourth or fifth round. I’m livin’ in the future so the present is my past!
Did The Wembanyama come back and give these niggas a reminder? Of course he did. He single-handedly transformed the Spurs back into being a team that cleans up on the defensive glass. You wanna call The Wembanyama slight, skinny, or weak? Dream on. The Wembanyama gets shoved to the ground by Naz Reid and The Wembanyama starts clapping like he’s one of those kids who grew up with a Dad that beat on them. One of those kids who eventually started enjoying the paternal beatdowns. Paternal beatdowns that became the only thing they knew as “quality time with dad”. The Wembanyama is such a soldier! Goddamn, if any public-facing “basketball analyst” ever doubted The Wembanyama’s physical or mental strength, they need to issue a public statement saying that they were as foolish as the people who took the Timberwolves +10.5.
Does The Wembanyama shoot the technical foul free throws now? Of course he does. He took Devin Vassell’s place. De’Aaron definitely can’t have that job. Not Dylan Harper. Not Keldon. Definitely not Stephon Castle!
Listen, did Stephon Castle have a game that showed us what he can be in terms of a basketball player who wins games? Sure. He had only one offensive foul on Terrence Shannon. Never had the dipshit refs call him for carrying, and played like an actual offensive threat. Stephon Castle has not played a game like that all series. He was looking to finish with the ball in his hands instead of dilly-dallying with his “two-steps into a pause” nonsense (he actually did that, but just once). Stephon dunks off two feet with remarkable ease. Three dunks and a couple of and1’s from Stephon. One of those dunks was off of a steal that was the unofficial end of the game. Elon Musk must’ve told Stephon to cut the shit and look to score on his pick-and-rolls with The Wembanyama. Great coaching.
Even De’Aaron Fox starts trying to make highlights at the behest of The Wembanyama during the fourth quarter of blowouts! I mean, a right-hand layup is a highlight for De’Aaron Fox, but what was the real highlight was putting the brakes on Jaden McDaniels before splitting a double team that Naz Reid formed. Sure, it wasn’t on the level of Dylan Harper’s absurdity, The Wembanyama putting a fake spin move on Jaden before accidentally hitting him in the face, Stephon Castle dunking off two feet right in front of French Rejection, or Keldon Johnson beating Anthony Edwards into submission, but it was a pleasant sight!
Dad watched this game. He supports his friend Naz Reid who has taken the place of “Uncle” Pascal Siakam last year. Dad’s oldest, and best, friend from Cameroon. A couple of gems that Dad gave us were:
“Don’t reminisce Jamal Crawford.”
“There goes Victor. Needs more formula.”
The second one was just the ranting and raving from someone who is just having fun, but the point about Jamal Crawford is astute. He’s an awful broadcaster. He would never conceive of saying “rugged rascal” like Kevin Harlan. He wouldn’t have the smaller jokes of an Ian Eagle. He wouldn’t start edging off of a backcut like Robbie Hummell. Jamal Crawford is pretty boring. He’s someone who the corporate networks “trained”. Like Dwyane Wade or Grant Hill. Just an ex-player who knows how to provide “analysis”. Someone who knows what words are trending on the Twitter (or what words that Grok has trained the “users” of the Twitter to use). Jamal Crawford has the common ailment that most ex-players have, which is talking about their playing days like we give a shit. No, Jamal. We care about Dylan Harper. We care about The Wembanyama. We don’t need you to officially give your blessing to the Spurs. We know what we see. Make us laugh or something. Jesus Christ.
Have we said anything good about the Timberwolves? No. They were terrible. They’re running out of gas. They were never meant to drag out this series with the present condition of their roster. OK, here’s one nice thing. Whenever Naz Reid gets Julian Champagnie isolated on him, Naz Reid starts trying to get his own personal bests for “dribble combinations”. Naz Reid really does some nasty crossovers and hesitations with the ball and it’s incredible to see from someone his size. Naz Reid’s dribble moves are tighter that The Wembanyama’s. They’re better. There is probably not a player Naz Reid’s size who dribbles better than him. He’s also bizarrely automatic from the corner three. Naz Reid is excellent.
The Timberwolves aren’t going to last many more shows. They’re heading home.
PISTONS 🚗 (-4.5) over Cavaliers 🤺
- Ugh, Jesus Christ. Yes, I’m watching this. It’s great that it’s an 8 P.M. tip-off. Never take the Cavs to cover on the road. I really want to watch J.B. Dumbass play Ausar Thompson and Jalen Duren way too much when it’s obvious that Caris LeVert and Bball Paul, respectively, are the better choices. Cade can feel free not to have a bunch of retarded turnovers as well. I’d also appreciate a little acknowledgment from Daniss Jenkins. Just a quick “hello”. Doesn’t have to be a handwritten letter! Just in the name of Uncle Rick Pitino and his cum shots at the Olive Garden. Just me and Daniss silently telling each other, “Yeah, Uncle Rick is our favorite college coach. Nigga.”
