Record: 41-33 (Prophet Of God)
“No, it is like being a gynecologist. You don’t get sick of it.”
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Something about our basic understanding of basketball must be completely warped. Maybe not me since after “Record”, there’s “41-33” but damn, even I’m losing any self-belief that I have any idea what’s going on in front of me. All of my faith in institutions is gone. All of the paltry remainder left over from when the response to an artificially created airborne pathogen was to recreate slavery by funneling all the wealth to the oligarchs. Yeah, it’s all gone. No one knows anything and we’re all going to kill each other because these dumbass NBA owners don’t know dick. Jesus Fucking Christ, this is just so awful. We want there to be some reason in this world. We want there to be some kind of connective tissue between what we do and what we make happen. Well, there isn’t. We can’t have anything. How could we? We live in a world where Daryl Morey can use his excessive body fat, opaque acronyms, and arithmetic skills to be in charge. Is Daryl Morey someone who can be in charge? What makes a leader who doesn’t turn the world into a place where Elon Musk can say whatever he wants and drive up multiple companies’ IPOs to places their cash flow fundamentals demand that they shouldn’t? Because it sure as fuck isn’t Darryl Morey! Yes, obviously, Josh Harris was the person who demanded that zesty Jared McCain be traded so that the Sixers wouldn’t pay the luxury tax. But Josh didn’t insist that Darryl trade McCain to the Thunder and say that he was selling high on Jared McCain after the trade. Jesus Christ. Daryl didn’t have to ship zesty Jared McCain to Sacramento, but he had to not send him to fucking OKC! Goddamnit! We knew zesty Jared McCain was really good!
Here’s something really cruel. Ask teams drafting 6 or later if they would trade their first-round pick for zesty Jared McCain! Because they would! Sam Presti would be the one denying that trade! Because zesty Jared McCain is better right now than Darius Acuff ever will be! And Daryl Morey, with his cheeky gynecology jokes and his fancy academics that I could never get in 1,000 lifetimes, decided to trade zesty Jared McCain to the goddamn Thunder for a second-round pick! What the fuck! Why do I have to see disasters like this! Can’t there be some democratic government that prevents disasters like this from being caused by oligarchs like Josh Harris? Why does one man have to have such an outsized effect on the world?!
Are we ready to start talking about zesty Jared McCain? No.
Before the game, there was an article on CTESPN about how OKC was an underdog in the playoffs for the first time in 34 games. And we had to come out here and say that we HAD to take their side because we’ve been loudly saying how Dylan Harper and De’Aaron Fox are playing injured and you can’t play injured against OKC. And you want to turn around and give me the Thunder as underdogs? You’re challenging me, and I’ve been challenged before. I know that the key to making a man spend thousands of dollars for something worthless is to challenge them on their ability to afford it.
“Oh, well this is $4,000. Are you someone who can afford that kind of COMMITMENT? See how I’m FRAMING this? You are a high-worth person so you are going to pay thousands of dollars for my expert to tell you how to operate. It’s just about how ready you are to invest in yourself.”
“i cAn aFForD thAT! i haVe MoNEy. I’Ve haD seX bEFoRe. I’M SeXUallY adEqUAtE! HErE, heRe’S $4,000! TAkE iT!”
Listen, I’m picking sides at 55% against the spread. You know what that means. That means that for this playoff run, I have been giving you that WORLD CLASS DICK. It’s uncomfortable to say. It’s uncomfortable to admit. But right now, I’m the POG and I’m seeing this world with clear eyes and a full heart. It’s a burden. I don’t want this mind that sees everything but is still trapped in this corporal shell that isn’t where my mind needs to be. I saw that the playoffs were over after Dylan Harper had a non-contact leg injury. People wanted their pathetic hope. Esteemed Editor gave me all this pinhead bullshit about how Dylan Harper was playing and everything would be OK. Henry gave me the same thing. You can hide behind injury reports all you want, but when it’s time to pick a side, you are going to line up to put cash in MY POCKET. Because I have a record to think about, and you have your pathetic ideals. Go plug yourself into Mark’s metaverse and go cum in your metaverse sex slave. Better yet, how about you become Louis CK in the Metaverse and have these interviews of women where you probe their comedic acting ability before jacking off into a plant in front of them to “see if they’re chill”. Yeah, go do that.
OK, we’re ready to talk about zesty Jared McCain now. Here’s what makes zesty Jared one of the best players on the court in the Bestern Conference Finals: he’s always moving on offense. He’s like Basketball Jesus in that way. Earlier in the playoffs, zesty Jared wasn’t missing threes, and that has regressed negatively, but zesty Jared is still hitting from fifteen feet and he’s also bullying The Wembanyama at the rim before flexing to the goddamn bench. Jesus Fucking Christ, Jared McCain is a star! And Sam Presti got him for a motherfucking second-round pick! Goddamnit! I want my leaders to know better but they’re mostly just pigs at a trough like me. If I finish this playoff run at 55%, then I’m with Sam but until then, I’m just like oligarch Josh Harris. Without the financial freedom. Fuck me.
OK, so zesty Jared is blowing by every Spurs defender and outmuscling The Wembanyama at the rim. He’s also making passes to Jaylin Williams open at the three-point line and continuing to run to an open spot along the three-point line. Zesty Jared never stops moving on offense and that really does wonders for an offense. Zesty Jared plays like someone who loves to play basketball. So like Little Game James, but the complete opposite. Have I been sounding the alarm that zesty Jared McCain looked great from the first second that he entered the game in Game 1? I think I did. I think that I demanded that Mark Baguette play zesty Jared McCain more.
Did zesty Jared McCain lead the Thunder in field goal attempts? Does every Thunder player on the bench get excited when zesty Jared shoots any shot? Does zesty Jared McCain get Grown Man Rebounds (GMR)? Does zesty Jared run up to his teammates after and1’s and start screaming in their face like they’re in the trenches together and the war is almost won?
Zesty Jared McCain is a star. He’s a great player. He just LED the Thunder to a pivotal game 3 win against The Wembanyama. Is zesty Jared McCain a top-30 player coming off the bench for the Thunder?!?
OK, so that’s zesty Jared McCain. Are there any other bench players for the Thunder who are playing like they’re stars? Of course! This is the Thunder! This is Sam Presti embarrassing every single NBA oligarch who owns another team! All of them are calling Penis Head Silver to try and find a way to legislate Sam Presti away from punking oligarchs who are never punked.
Yes, Alex Caruso did it again. 2 steals don’t even begin to describe the sorcery that Alex was doing on defense. Still shooting 60% from three. Alex is forcing these refs to make calls that give extra possessions to the Thunder. Now, Alex isn’t conning them into making calls based off of nothing. No, Alex is merely exaggerating contact that does happen, and is illegal, so that the dipshit refs are compelled to blow the whistle. Alex gets the Thunder extra possessions and he absolutely makes Stephon Castle too frustrated to proficiently play. It was a bad sign that Stephon Castle held out both of his arms when the dipshit refs called a pushing foul on Caruso while he was navigating a screen on defense. Stephon Castle was focused on what the dipshit refs were blowing and that’s not acceptable. Now, the dipshit refs absolutely had a terrible game where they called a bunch of shooting fouls for Selfish Shai and just generally imbued the game with an air of “Touch the Thunder and it’s a foul but the Thunder can slap your arms and we won’t call it”.
The look that Alex Caruso has after rightfully being called for fouls is extremely disconcerting. He’s not pleading to the dipshit refs. He’s just smiling like, “Oh that’s what we’re calling now? That’s genuinely amusing.” It’s really frightening. Alex Caruso is just a White out there, instilling fear in NBA players. Alex Caruso is the basketball version of that guy in Law Abiding Citizen who has everything planned for and knows the future. It’s really frightening playing basketball against someone like that. You’re scared of what Alex Caruso is thinking on the court.
Can Alex Caruso take a break from being so great? Guess not. He’s forming this three-headed Hydra with zesty Jared McCain and Jaylin Williams that choked the life out of a surging Spurs team playing at home with the crowd in a frenzy. Yes, that’s right. Alex Caruso, zesty Jared McCain, and Jaylin Williams subbed into a game that the Thunder were losing by 20 and led the Thunder to a 15-point win. You should be able to understand the shock and horror that ran through the arena in San Antonio by that statement. Because really, the whole turnaround happened before the midpoint of the third quarter. The crowd had a lot of time to sit there and think about how their team just got put in a rear-naked chokehold by Alex Caruso, zesty Jared McCain, and fucking Jaylin Williams.
Yes, The Wembanyama lost to Jaylin Williams. Now, there’s definitely some basketball magic happening with the Thunder Big 3 (Caruso, zesty Jared, and Jaylin) that makes them play together and become a whirling basketball machine of shot-making, passing, and turnover-creation, but the fact remains that The Wembanyama just got outplayed by Jaylin Williams. Ok, maybe played to a draw. But yeah, there was a ridiculous coaches’ challenge by Mark Baguette that turned a ball hit out of bounds by Jaylin into a foul on the Spurs. That was one possession that Jaylin got for the Thunder. There was also a charge taken on The Wembanyama. Jaylin does that. There’s also Jaylin Williams ripping the ball away from Carter Bryant’s hands like Zion did to Kevin Knox in that Summer League game. Awful game from Carter Bryant. But yeah, that steal happened at the beginning of the second quarter with the Thunder up one. Looking back, that steal was the game.
Jaylin’s other steal looks to have been just a recovery of Cason Wallace stripping the ball out of The Wembanyama’s hands. That recovery led to an outlet pass and a fastbreak. The thing about the triumvirate of Jaylin Williams, Alex Caruso, and zesty Jared is that all three of them are excellent passers. All three of those guys make instant passes to the open man. The ball moves rapidly around on offense when those three are in the game. The magic Thunder lineup was those three, Cason Wallace, and Selfish Shai. Cason Wallace does his part moving the ball to the open man, and Selfish Shai is there to finish possessions, but the basketball superbrain is there because of the three-headed Hydra.
Have we mentioned how Jaylin Williams made five threes and didn’t miss a free throw? We haven’t. Four of those made threes were in the first half. One of them was an and1 off a pass from zesty Jared. Jaylin Williams was making threes, screaming, and gorilla-pounding his chest like he was ready to kill someone in this game. Jaylin Williams is a certified playoff warrior. You would LOVE to go to war with Jaylin Williams. You would LOVE to play in a BIG game with Jaylin Williams in front of 20,000 hostile fans. Jaylin Williams was fat at Arkansas and during his time in OKC, he’s become svelte and trim. I guess what I’m trying to say is that Jaylin Williams seems like someone who is really good at sex.
Who else showed up for the Thunder? Pretty much just Cason Wallace and Selfish Shai. Cason was just being a cog in the machine on offense. He was playing his part in the magic happening because of the three-headed Hydra. On defense, Cason absolutely showed us that De’Aaron Fox was playing injured. Cason Wallace might be the best on-ball defender in the NBA and he’s just sitting there on the Thunder bench. He led the league in steals. Just throwing that out there. 5 rebounds, 4 assists, 3 steals, and no turnovers. A cog in the machine. The machine that took a 15-0 Spurs run at the beginning of the game and proceeded to choke out the city of San Antonio with its turnover generation and made three-pointers. That was really it. The Thunder didn’t have significantly more made free throws, and they only had one more shot attempt. They just made more threes and got those live-ball turnovers that lead to fast breaks. Now, the threes that the Thunder did attempt were wide-open because zesty Jared McCain was collapsing the Spurs' defense and kicking out, while the Spurs were desperately holding on to the ball before throwing a grenade to Stephon Castle, Keldon Johnson, or De’Aaron Fox. Sad stuff.
Did Selfish Shai get a bunch of called shooting fouls that the dipshit refs shouldn’t have called? Yes. That happened. Sorry. The dipshit refs really got in Stephon Castle’s psyche.
Really, the first 6 minutes of this game could not have been any better for the Spurs. The crowd was still standing 6 minutes into the first quarter because it was so insane that the Spurs were killing the Thunder like that. Devin Vassell was making Dad say, “That’s what we’re talking about, Chin Beard!” Dad loves Devin Vassell. Rightly so. Devin has been showing up for the Spurs in this series in a way that will exclude him from any roster reshuffling. Yes, there was a possession where Devin Vassell was trying to dribble around Isaiah Joe and couldn’t muscle his way into a layup. Devin’s flaw is that he’s not strong while dribbling the ball. He might not be strong in general. He might have some serious mental processing shortcomings. There was some clapping happening after a called foul against Selfish Shai that sent Selfish Shai to the free-throw line with the Spurs down 10 and 7:45 left in the game. Devin seemed to genuinely think that he had Selfish Shai where he wanted him. No, Devin, you didn’t. That was a bad foul and you guys just got dick-slapped by Jaylin Williams (who might just have that kind of hog). But Devin protects the rim, kinda gets GMR, and makes threes & middys. You need Chin Beard!
However, Dylan Harper and De’Aaron were bad and shouldn’t have played. Dylan was not dribbling to the rim like the player we have fallen in love with. Maybe there was a torn leg muscle that was preventing him from trying to take Haitian Scarface to the weight room. Just a game where Dylan wasn’t playing like Evolutionary Kyrie. Elon (The Spurs Coach) didn’t like what he was seeing from Dylan and benched him for De’Aaron. Did Elon see that atrocious holding foul that Dylan had on Alex Caruso near halfcourt while the Thunder were in the bonus, and immediately understand that Dylan shouldn’t be out there?
De’Aaron looked like he seriously injured himself but somehow came back into the game. De’Aaron is really gutting out these games and while De’Aaron has only been a part of playoffs that he’s been injured in, maybe it wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world for the Spurs to keep De’Aaron. Who would they turn him into? You need three excellent ball handlers against the Thunder and you’ll still need that amount after they trade Haitian Scarface this summer. Heck, they might even offload Jalen “Rottweiler” Williams just so that they can keep all of their players who make it almost impossible to dribble.
Wow, we haven’t mentioned The Wembanyama! That’s incredible. The Wembanyama got tired in this game. There was a knee scare. More generally, The Wembanyama was running up and down the court like someone fatigued. He carried the broken remains of his team to a brief moment of happiness before getting all of those hopes and dreams choked out of them by this Thunder team that is one of those UFC fighters who win every match in a boring wrestling session that always end with a tap or a loss of consciousness. Did we say that this Game 3 was going to be one of those games that show how the Spurs aren’t ready? Well, if we did, we were right. The Wembanyama was good. He needed to bend time and space for the Spurs to win and he didn’t. The Wembanyama is still the best player in the NBA but it’s over this year.
Stephon Castle was really 1 for 8?! Wow! He absolutely blocked the fuck out of Selfish Shai at the beginning of the game. I guess that was all he did during the game.
Here’s the Spurs story: 4 for 18 from three by Keldon Johnson (he was taking bad attempts), Dylan Harper, De’Aaron Fox, and Stephon Castle. Maybe De’Aaron does need to turn into a dribbler who makes threes and doesn’t get injured every time he’s in the playoffs!
CAVALIERS 🤺 (-2.5) over Knicks 👖
- Sorry, I am tempted to take the Knicks and just be like, “What, you thought that I would take the home team down 0-2? Well fuck you, I’m doing something unconventional!” But no. I’m doing the boring thing. I’m just maxing out my Roth IRA while working a job and paying Pakistani’s to maybe make an Amazon business work out. I’m talking about being a Prophet Of God while turning around and just hitting singles every day. Boring. The Boring Company?
