Record: 37-33
“And we men, the creatures who inhabit this earth, must be to them at least as alien and lowly as are the monkeys and lemurs to us.”
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Go watch all of The Wembanyama’s made field goal attempts on NBA.com. Right now. Even after watching the game, you go through that tape and the understanding that The Wembanyama is the best basketball player to have ever existed, really calcifies in your mind. Unlike the Earth that received the Martians in The War Of The Worlds, we mere Earthlings are blessed by a higher power of luck that we get to lay witness to The Wembanyama. The Wembanyama is too amazing to have a nickname. There is a shortened, five-letter word out in Big Media that is used to name The Wembanyama. It’s gross. It’s disgusting. It’s repulsive. His name is Victor Wembanyama. If you want, you can call him The Wembanyama. This isn’t Giannis Antetokounmpo. The Wembanyama demands to be spelled out every time in it’s entirety. Maybe if Giannis ever beat Jimmy Butler and the Heat, Giannis would receive the same respect as The Wembanyama. Really, this is just ridiculous.
Three turnovers from The Wembanyama against maybe the greatest defense of all-time at forcing turnovers! Even Tom Riddle doesn’t have games where he finishes with just three turnovers against this Thunder team!
How did The Wembanyama happen? How was he made? What incubation tube did he grow in? It’s not just his never-before-seen combination of height, length, and dexterity. It’s his grit. His empowering of teammates. His will to win. I just can’t believe that The Wembanyama exists. Of course his mom, Élodie, is a 6’-4” French woman who coached him all his life after being a professional herself. Cooper Flagg’s mom wishes she was Élodie. Of course, his dad is from the savannah of Congo where he hunted lions to become a track and field athlete. Of course The Wembanyama grew up in a country that allowed people to be smart, resourceful, and fully formed human beings who can draw upon the experience of many things to make them a more enlightened person. Of course. How else could we explain what The Wembanyama did in Game 1?
He really made that thirty-foot three in front of Caruso to force second overtime. That was his only made three! Really! The Wembanyama only took two three-point attempts! And the one make was what forced the second overtime when it looked like all hope was lost! When Stephon Castle was busy getting 11 turnovers and the loss seemed to be a foregone conclusion, all The Wembanyama did was take the ball and dunk that thang against the team with the best ball pressure in the history of the NBA. I mean, Jesus Christ, The Wembanyama was 12-13 from the free throw line and his team needed every single one of those. We’ve been saying that The Wembanyama is the best free-throw shooter on the team and yesterday he certified that claim. He does the shoulder shimmy which is extremely important but he also does the deep breathing that stops everything and forces everyone to look at him and all of his extraterrestrial excellence. That’s critical. You need to have those deep breaths in your free-throw routine! The Wembanyama doesn’t dribble and it looks like he inspired Keldon Johnson to not dribble either. Is The Wembanyama going to start doing granny shots from the free throw line, shoot 95%, and then inspire all of his teammates (De’Aaron Fox) to pull themselves up into the 90’s? That’s not beyond The Wembanyama’s capabilities! The Wembanyama is 22 years old and he can not be any more a leader of men. It’s incredible. The Wembanyama intersperses dunking on the Thunder and saving the season with thirty foot threes in front of Alex Caruso, with screaming at his benchmates to get them hyped and also putting his hands on Luke “Catholic Hammer” Kornet before Catholic Hammer is about to sub in for him, and imbue Catholic Hammer with all of The Wembanyama’s Martian voodoo in order for Catholic Hammer to not be a complete shitshow and manage to not tank the team during his ten minutes on the court. Catholic Hammer is a 30-year-old man with children who writes on Medium about the importance of not having ass and titties at NBA games! And The Wembanyama is “talking him up” like a twelve-year-old! This is SO INSANE!
But yes, The Wembanyama had several dunks that made you say, “Jesus Christ, that’s not a human being”. One of those dunks was the basketball equivalent of nailing Chet Holmgren to a cross because Chet was chatting too much with Miriam Adelson so The Wembanyama brought the charge of being “King of the Jews” against Chet. The Wembanyama brought that charge against Chet in the American court of law and argued that Chet was a spy of Judaism brought into America’s heartland to convince the people of Oklahoma to vote for whoever Miriam and her cabal paid for representing the Jewish Kingdom in the US Congress. The Wembanyama is a universal force for salvation. Not just Nanterre.
But yes, The Wembanyama nailed Chet Holmgren to a cross yesterday. The Wembanyama will do that. These games happen on the road and the home crowd starts getting demoralized because they’re trying to beat The Wembanyama and they know in their bones that The Wembanyama is a force unseen in the history of Earth. You can see it in the bench of the Thunder. The guys who never touch the court look like they’ve had their souls sucked out of their bodies. Their bodies show an incredulous dismay at the force they had just witnessed. The Thunder players who actually get in the game against The Wembanyama just look exhausted and incapable of showing any feelings on their face because they just had to overexert themselves to fail against The Wembanyama. This is so ridiculous.
Who do the Spurs’ bench players look at The Wembanyama like? Like the true messiah. Because that’s who The Wembanyama is. Dylan Harper got to the end of this Game 1 and he was having moments where he struggled to dribble the ball against the Thunder. Steph Castle had 11 turnovers. But The Wembanyama? Well, with the game on the line and all of his teammates looking to him to save the game that they should’ve lost, The Wembanyama put the ball on the floor, took two steps to the rim, and got the dipshit refs to call an appropriate blocking foul on Ajay Mitchell. The Wembanyama is 7’-4”!!! This is so insane!
Quick note on the dipshit refs. They did an amazing job. They did an amazing job for the whole game. The first half had flow. Caruso always got called for “blocking” and never got a “charge”. You never felt enraged at Selfish Shai going to the free-throw line. Luguenz “Haitian Scarface” Dort got called for a bunch of fouls pushing The Wembanyama before he caught it. Haitian Scarface and Alex Caruso, both. We need to see those fouls get called every game. Yes, the dipshit refs missed Chet Holmgren grabbing and holding on The Wembanyama during a tip-in. You can not ask for better officiating than what the dipshit refs gave us in that game. Zach Zarba, Mitchell Erving, and I think John Goble. Great job guys. You managed to officiate a Thunder game and not make me call you all pussies for not calling fouls on the Thunder. Thank you!
You screamed “Thank you!” several times at the end of that game. The Wembanyama was getting defensive rebounds. The Wembanyama and Dylan Harper were making their free throws to close the game out. Even Devin Vassell was making shots at the end to keep the boat afloat.
Look at the shooting percentages of the Spurs’ players. That really was just The Wembanyama putting his teammates on his back (without De’Aaron Fox) and saying, “We are not losing this game. I am the best that ever was. We will have no doubt about this outcome.” The Wembanyama is just too good! Towards the end of the game, Chet Holmgren stopped trying to run towards The Wembanyama at the rim on dunks because Chet was done with getting savagely posterized. Who said that The Wembanyama wasn’t strong enough to change the fate of the human species? They’re wrong!
Here’s where I was wrong. I was wrong to be dissatisfied with Stephon Castle. I’m officially recanting everything bad that I’ve said about Stephon Castle. Yes, you’re going to look at the box score of Game 1 and be like, “Stephon Castle? What the fuck!” No, Stephon Castle was a warrior. Maybe you could argue that we’re the victim of the human psychological bias where we inordinately favor first impressions and Stephon made 60% of his made field goals in the first quarter. No. Stephon Castle made his free throws. Stephon Castle established a physical, driving presence that The Wembanyama needed for that game. Against the Thunder, you need someone to be a man and go towards the rim, ready to start violence. Stephon Castle did that. What Stephon Castle did was take an open runway to the rim during the first overtime and dunk through Selfish Shai before staring him down. That’s what we call “establishing physical presence”. That’s what we call “being a man”. In Game 1, Stephon Castle was a man. Yes, 11 turnovers is crazy. Most of those were turnovers that didn’t directly lead to Thunder fastbreaks. The Spurs lost De’Aaron Fox and against the Thunder, you need 3 professional ball handlers. The Spurs had two, and Dylan Harper is a rookie. The evolutionary Kyrie, but still a rookie. Stephon Castle was certified in Game 1.
Wait, did we say Dylan Harper?! Yes! We watched the entire game with Dad and Dad is keenly aware of our infatuation with Dylan Harper as a Finishing Savant. In Game 1, Dylan wasn’t nearly as amazing as he usually is and especially during the beginning, but at the end, Dylan got that and1 and Dylan made his free throws. 7 steals! Kleptomaniac! Most of those steals were interceptions. The kind of steals that start fastbreaks. The last steal for Dylan was the tipped pass from Selfish Shai during double OT that sealed the game. That tipped pass, and an excellent entry pass to The Wembanyama while Alex Caruso was guarding him. Dylan is excellent at entry passes and that’s critical because The Wembanyama needs to catch the ball at the free-throw line. Not the three-point line. Really, it was incredible to see how as the game went on, The Wembanyama outlasted the little Thunder defenders who were pushing him away from the rim before the catch. Earlier in the game, Alex Caruso was making The Wembanyama catch the ball just inside the three-point line but at the end, The Wembanyama was able to catch at the free-throw line!
If De’Aaron Fox misses another game, Dylan needs to not be tentative to start the game. Sure, maybe it’s ok for Dylan to take 7 threes. They’re all open and he’ll probably make more than one. But to start the game, Dylan needs to copy Stephon Castle and go towards the rim. Yes, maybe the Thunder will cause more than one turnover from Dylan. We just think that the Spurs need more “dribble to the basket” offense in the halfcourt from Dylan. Maybe we’re wrong and Dylan just needs to hit one more three. The Thunder really are unsolvable unless you’re The Wembanyama.
There was one possession early in the game where Dylan had Isaiah Hartenstein guarding him on the perimeter and Dylan got locked up. That’s not ok and Dylan needs to look at that so that he can do whatever he needs to do in order to not allow Isaiah Hartenstein to proficiently guard him.
So Dylan did enough to serve The Wembanyama with a courageous and1, all those steals, making free throws, and adequately passing the ball to The Wembanyama. The other two Spurs players who showed up were Keldon Johnson and Devin Vassell. Keldon during the first half, and Devin at the end.
Keldon continued his mission to bring Jesus into the lives of his defenders by taking the ball and going on his rampaging Holy Crusades towards the rim. This mission was on Jared McCain, who absolutely fell down because Keldon Johnson knew it was time to bless him. All of Keldon’s other makes were threes but that one made layup was physical enough to warrant the belief that Keldon went along with Stephon Castle in “establishing physical presence”. That’s important against the Thunder! You can’t just let them feed on their own bullshit and make dribbling in the halfcourt impossible.
Devin Vassell had a super-clutch block of Chet Holmgren at the rim that made Dad say, “Oh My God!” Devin has been blocking large white players at the rim during these playoffs (Cuckold Clingan), and Devin Vassell has been making midrange pull-up shots that save the Spurs when they’re begging for someone to make a shot and help out The Wembanyama. Our Esteemed Editor has been a Devin Vassell hater for many moons, and while I have officially recanted my initial Stephon Castle skepticism, Esteemed Editor has done no such thing for Devin Vassell even though that Game 1 performance absolutely demanded it.
Last thing on the Spurs, Catholic Hammer looked scared out there. He looked weak. Catholic Hammer had an absolutely awful handoff where he basically just told the Thunder, “Here, you take it” and Catholic Hammer was not trying to go up towards the rim with the ball with any kind of force in his lower body. We need to see Catholic Hammer come out there and move bodies during his court time. We need to see him box out like he wants to hurt people. We need him to get low, secure the ball like it’s one of his five kids, and explode up. Catholic Hammer needs to fix his process.
Jesus Fucking Christ, Alex Caruso scored 31 points and made 8 threes. He scored 10 of the Thunder’s first 12 points and you got upset after every single one of Caruso’s made threes. How was he traded for High School Dance Chaperone? He comes into these games and instantly becomes the best possible defender who isn’t from Mars and he makes open threes? How can Sam Presti keep getting away with this?!
4 stocks, 8 made threes, thirty-one points from Caruso?!? What the fuck! That’s ridiculous. The Spurs kept leaving him open in order to double Selfish Shai and Alex Caruso refused to stop making open threes. It was demoralizing and it should really worry the Thunder that they wasted what might’ve been Alex Caruso’s best offensive game of his career.
Why did the Thunder lose even with Alex Caruso having what was probably his best offensive game? Well, it kinda looked like Selfish Shai melted down while his cousin Nickeil watched the game sitting courtside. Selfish Shai was just missing midrange shots that he doesn’t usually miss like that. It was strange. Almost as strange as what Selfish Shai does with his legs during shooting. Seriously, how Selfish Shai has incorporated that leg-swinging into his shots is against God’s Will. When The Wembanyama talks about ethical basketball, he needs to start with the nonsense that Selfish Shai does with his leg-swinging on shots.
Do you know who doesn’t hype up their teammates and put their hands on their shoulders before they’re about to check in and bless them? Do you know who doesn’t scream during the game because they are excited about announcing themself as the best player to ever be? Selfish Shai. He’s not charismatic. He’s not The Wembanyama.
You watched the end of this game and you were like, “Wait, is Selfish Shai melting down right now?” Yes! Yes, he was! Fuck that was delicious!
But even with an inexplicable meltdown from Selfish Shai, we came to the end and we never felt safe that the Spurs would close out the game by successfully stopping Selfish Shai from scoring. It’s really insane how Selfish Shai manages to get these wide-open freeways to the rim even while someone like Stephon Castle is guarding him. If Selfish Shai has a terrible game like he just had, it’s never because of the defender. Selfish Shai can’t be bothered. His dribble is too tight. Dad even said so. “That’s what makes him such a great player. He keeps his head up. Amazing dribbler!” So yeah, maybe if Selfish Shai decided to take more shots at the rim, he wouldn’t have been making you wonder whether or not he was melting down. But there’s The Wembanyama at the rim. So that’s not a good strategy. This series is so excellent. So excellent that Dad stayed up for both overtimes!
We tried to find a way to include Jared McCain’s zesty ass into this. Do you know who on the Thunder had the most positive plus-minus? Jared McCain! How Josh Harris came to the conclusion that keeping Jared McCain was not worth entering the luxury tax is not a great sign for the 76ers’ future. Jared McCain comes into these games and kind of looks unguardable. He’s really fast. When you think of a flamboyantly homosexual NBA player, you don’t think of someone like Jared McCain who is really fast, really strong, and who you trust to make shots. You think of Catholic Hammer. A plodding, kinda flabby, big who just takes it in the ass and likes it.
Isaiah Hartenstein was subbed out after starting the game for 2 minutes. Thunder Coach plainly doesn’t believe that Isaiah is the answer. Isaiah is probably leaving the Thunder soon. Him and Haitian Scarface.
Chet was terrible but we know that Chet can’t compete with The Wembanyama. We knew that ever since Chet had that one dribble fadeaway shot against The Wembanyama and got his shit swatted. Swatted like Jalen “Rottweiler” Williams at the end of the game, trying to make a layup around The Wembanyama. Part of The Wembanyama being the best imaginable basketball player is that he completely annihilates Chet Holmgren, who is great but not The Wembanyama.
The Wembanyama is so incredible. How do all these YouTubers and Twitch streamers go on their shows right after Game 1? What do they say? Do they just keep shaking their head and repeating how goddamn ridiculous The Wembanyama is? Even now, with a night’s sleep to focus my infinite intelligence, I don’t feel like there’s anything to say besides “Holy Fuck The Wembanyama is too good.” Those idiots who took the Thunder -6.5 were always retarded. This doesn’t wash out the shit in my mouth from picking the Pistons to cover in their game 7 but we’re taking meaningful steps towards that!
KNICKS 👖(-7.5) over Cavaliers 🤺
- We blindly take the team that is not coming off of a Game 7. We don’t care that this particular Game 7 was not stressful. We remember how my stepson Mitchell Robinson emasculated Jarrett “Wormtongue” Allen and made him his prison bitch all those years ago. We need to see the Cavs prove that they’re capable of getting an adequate amount of defensive rebounds before we pick them against the Knicks.
