Record: 20-22
"To live is to risk it all. Otherwise, you're just an inert chunk of randomly assembled molecules drifting wherever the universe blows you."
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Fuck You Pick Of The Playoffs (FYPOTP) cashes big-time. God, that was so delicious watching the Nuggets get PUNKED like that in Minnesota! And they were a 7.5-point favorite before tip-off! Ayo Dosunmu was out! LMAO! And over here, I had the BALLS, the TEMERITY, the DICK to tell all y’all niggas that this Nuggets team AIN’T SHIT! His name is LIMP DICK. That’s the name that I GAVE HIM! Y’all niggas think I’m playing?! Nah, nigga! I call him that for a reason! Cuz HE AIN’T SHIT! I’ve been telling y’all!
Before we dive into that delicious slop-fest that LIMP DICK gave us, before we go BALLS DEEP into dissecting every goddamn delicious aspect of how LIMP DICK carried on the legacy of playoff choke jobs from Little Game James Harden, we really need to take care of something. Something that I do every year with a friend who really came through for me in the intramural basketball playoffs about a decade ago. Every year I designate the Eman Draft Sleeper Endorsement for the draft. An incoming player who gets selected after pick 20 who I think will be good based on either tournament highlights, Summer League Eyetest, or general vibes. It’s a cursory examination but sometimes when it’s a goddamn expert doing the cursory examination, that’s all you need.
Anywell, the original EDSE was Christian Brawny because he was a soldier for Kansas in their title run. Now, you can tell me that Brawny got a light benching for Tyus Jones in the season-deciding Game 6 in Minnesota and you’d be right, but Brawny has earned that contract he signed. Don’t let this year fool you. Brawny had a serious ankle injury that he never fully recovered from. Brawny will be back next year. Back in business, and back on my fantasy basketball team on a buy-low.
The second EDSE was GG Jackson and this one was based off of only seeing GG Jackson run around in Las Vegas Summer League. He was very obviously bigger, more graceful, and more athletic than everyone there and he also had some high school pedigree. GG has been a good pro so far. Especially considering that he was the fucking 45th pick. You can’t tell me that this was anything other than an absolute snipe of scouting.
Two years ago, the EDSE was TERRENCE FUCKING SHANNON NIGGA!!! FREE MAH NIGGA!!! Terrence had some accusations at Illinois and he also had a sterling scoring average and a Tournament showing that told me that he was a serious athlete and a good shooter. I WAS RIGHT, but fuck, it’s been a harrowing year for the Terrence Shannon hive. Mah nigga Terrence has been locked away on the bench. Chris Finch has been playin’ with mah nigga! Well, Game 6 arrived, Ayo Dosunmu got hurt, and guess who was in the fucking starting lineup of the closeout playoff game dedicated to King Leonidas?! That’s right nigga! TERRENCE SHANNON! The 2024 EDSE! Who iced the game in the fourth quarter swishing a corner three off of a French Rejection grenade against the shot clock?! Mah nigga TERRENCE SHANNON! Who told these niggas what the fucking deal is?!? Mah nigga TERRENCE SHANNON! Stop playin’ with me!!! 1-7 from three. That’s awful, and it’s a miracle that he ended up 9-20 on field goals. But that’s mah nigga TERRENCE SHANNON! Fighting through adversity, missed threes, and accusations to prove me a soothsayer! That’s mah dawg!
The first dunk that TERRENCE SHANNON had was actually a fumble recovery (Donkey Cam Johnson, who else) that Terrence took to the house. He actually juked the Jesus out of Brawny before announcing his presence with a rim detonation. It really sent the message that the Timberwolves had a fucking tenth man who was better than Christian Brawny. Brawny got dusted so bad by TERRENCE SHANNON before that dunk that we thought it was Tom Riddle. No, it was Shelshocked Brawny. Yeesh.
OK, I just rewatched all of my nigga TERRENCE SHANNON’S made field goals. He’s a man. Not a lot of Nuggets are men. That’s the first thing. Use that to discredit mah nigga. Give my man more allegations. Give mah nigga more adversity. Don’t mean shit to TERRENCE SHANNON! Jesus Christ, with the season on the line, up 3 points with 1:30 left, who did the Timberwolves give the ball? Julius Randle? No. Jaden McDaniels? No. Mah nigga TERRENCE SHANNON. And what did he do? Oh, well he just went beast mode on Limp Dick just like he’d been doing all game. Goddamn, that building must have been SO LOUD after TERRENCE SHANNON got that and1 layup on Limp Dick. Alex Rodriguéz and Marc Lore were going ape-shit because motherfucking TERRENCE SHANNON just lowkey iced the game for their basketball franchise that they swindled from Slavemaster Glen Taylor. Shout out to A-Rod and Marc Lore.
In addition to that fire-starter dunk where TERRENCE SHANNON dusted Brawny, TERRENCE SHANNON had a monster dunk right in Tom Riddle’s face that was preceded by blowing past Tim Hardaway Jr trying to stay in front of him on the perimeter. The complete list of Nuggets who could neither stay in front of TERRENCE SHANNON, or physically prevent him from going beast mode on their bitch-ass, is: Limp Dick, Tim Hardaway Jr, Spencer Jones, Donkey Cam Johnson, and Shellshocked Brawny. That’s a lot of people! That’s why this Nuggets team sucks! Terrence Shannon just outplayed their entire backcourt! In a Playoff Game 6! LMAO!
Here’s the lesser-known part of that masterpiece that TERRENCE SHANNON just painted. He got Grown Man Rebounds (GMR). It’s fucking May. It’s hot outside, it’s the killing season. It’s hot out this bitch and that’s good enough reason. Did TERRENCE SHANNON get offensive GMR over Limp Dick? Of course. Everyone did. The Nuggets had a screaming defensive rebounding problem and Limp Dick was the poster boy of that problem. Limp Dick refused to box out anyone, TERRENCE SHANNON included, and that was a huge problem because Limp Dick isn’t large and he can’t outjump most NBA players.
Gosh, watching TERRENCE SHANNON do that in a Game 6 closeout was lustral.
Who else contributed to the Timberwolves embarrassing the Nuggets on the offensive glass? Who got an offensive rebound off a missed free throw in crunch time from French Rejection? Jaden McDaniels, of course! 32 points and 4 offensive rebounds from Gang-Bangin’ Jaden. Highkey iced the game by hitting a middy pull-up over Limp Dick. Frightening block of Limp Dick at the end of a period. Really, Jaden did that thing where he refuses to allow Limp Dick to dribble, get any separation, or take a shot that is even slightly open. That was a masterful defensive effort from Jaden! Don’t forget about the offensive foul that he drew on Brucey! Jaden really helped out the officials to make that called turnover on the Nuggets, but it was an obvious foul.
How many offensive rebounds did the Timberwolves get in Game 6? 19! Oh my God, that is so insane!
The defensive rebounding meltdown from the Nuggets is because Tom Riddle is their only rebounder when Nagini doesn’t play. Donkey Cam Johnson made shots, but he still can’t cleanly grab possession of a rebound. Tack on the fact that he’s not strong or athletic like that. He’ll load up for a dunk off an off-ball cut, but Donkey Cam won’t explode spontaneously off of two feet. Spencer Jones isn’t getting rebounds. Shellshocked Christian Brawny is still getting over his POW stay in ‘Nam. Limp Dick can’t stop getting molested by Gang-Bangin’ Jaden and TERRENCE SHANNON. Who is going to help out Tom Riddle on the defensive glass? No one! Masterful roster construction from the general manager that Josh Kroenke found at the Dollar Store.
When TERRENCE SHANNON was taking and making shots to decide the season and help out Jaden McDaniels, who was the Nugget taking shots to help out Tom Riddle? Tyus Jones?! The guy who couldn’t get on the court for the past 5 games and who in the fifth, had about 3 minutes that made you say, “Why hasn’t Tyus been playing more?” Yeah, it was Tyus Jones who was taking those shots for the Nuggets. Hilariously incompetent. Tyus Jones was so good that Shellshocked Brawny was benched until the 6:10 mark of the fourth quarter. Brawny was so much worse than Tyus, too. Brawny was losing possession of the ball like Donkey Cam Johnson, but unlike Donkey Cam, Brawny was refusing to shoot and also missing the threes that he did manage to hoist up. That was a really despicable playoff series from Brawny. We’ll try to forget those screams that he had after and1 layups during the first two games of this series. We’ll lobby our fantasy basketball owner to draft Brawny late in the draft in a buy-low attempt.
We’re going to come up with some fake Tom Riddle trades because he needs to escape like Carmelo did. Is Carmelo Anthony saying that on his postgame broadcast roundtable sessions with Tracy McGrady, Vince Carter, and Maria Taylor? Is Carmelo Anthony saying that Tom Riddle needs to leave Denver like he did? Well, Carmelo needs to start that discussion. When that discussion starts, Tom Riddle can maybe get the fortitude to walk up to the Kroenke castle and tell them that he’s done dragging Limp Dick to places he doesn’t deserve to be.
Really, when Tyus Jones wasn’t taking and missing shots to decide the Nuggets’ season, Limp Dick was throwing one-hand runners off the side of the backboard. The broadcast started panning to Limp Dick sitting on the bench during the fourth quarter because they needed to get a look at how sad he was. The broadcast needed to illustrate what Limp Dick was feeling because he was missing every shot and also getting bodied on defense for and1 layups. Don’t forget the offensive rebounds that were grabbed above his head! There was even a possession where Limp Dick needed to close out to an open Mike Conley along the three-point line. Limp Dick didn’t get there in time. No surprise. How on Earth Limp Dick was given serious responsibility in the career of Tom Riddle is beyond me. Limp Dick started seeing ghosts when he was driving to the rim. You saw it when no one was around him and he refused to shoot. So bad! Really, that was just an atrocious performance by Limp Dick that will cement his legacy as the biggest fable ever told by Tom Riddle to the NBA public.
“And now for my biggest magic trick, I am going to show you a player so devoid of NBA talent, that you are going to gasp and say ‘How did this guy get a max contract?!’ And then I am going to get him thinking that he deserves to be All-NBA and someone who has any right to be upset that he’s not an All-Star. I am going to build up this man from nothing right in front of your eyes!”
The audience gasps at Tom Riddle performing the Dark Arts. Listen, Tom is still a master. I’m going to have fun being really angry and saying that Tom wasn’t ever good, but he was/is excellent. Tom just had the misfortune of landing in the franchise controlled by the Kroenke’s. Tom just had the misfortune of being so good, that he built up Limp Dick into a player who has actual responsibility on the team when Limp Dick is not someone who can be “load-bearing”.
Limp Dick is the “Move abroad relying on Paki Amazon Managers generated income” basketball equivalent. It’s irresponsible for the Nuggets to put so much at stake with Limp Dick’s play, and it’s irresponsible for me to rely on some Pakis I find on Upwork to become the financial boat that carries me to completing the mission. But that’s the Nuggets, and that’s me!
Was it really because of TERRENCE SHANNON and Gang-Bangin’ Jaden that the Wolves scored 110 points? Mostly! But don’t forget about Nasty Naz Reid. Julius Randle had more points, but Julius had 4 turnovers and 11 missed shots. There was a reason that Julius Randle was chilling along the three-point line while TERRENCE SHANNON lowkey iced the game by getting that and1 layup on Limp Dick. Julius was not good in this game. Now, “not good” is better than every Nugget besides Game 6 Donkey Cam, but Julius was not better than Naz Reid.
There was the open three that Spencer Jones let Naz Reid have because Spencer thought it was a priority to help on a rolling-to-the-rim French Rejection. Spencer learned decision-making like that at Stanford. Draymond “Money Green” Green needs to go on his podcast and talk all sorts of shit about Spencer Jones’ snitch-ass and how there’s “basketball IQ” and “classroom intelligence”. Money Green actually might do that because he’s hell-bent on emasculating French Rejection.
Good luck with that, because French Rejection had another incredible defensive game where he controlled the rebounds and blocked Tom Riddle's shots. Eight assists from French Rejection! The Nuggets’ defense was collapsing on his rolls to the rim, and French Rejection was spraying to shooters like Naz Reid and TERRENCE SHANNON to cash those checks.
Naz Reid was making his living going towards the rim against Tom Riddle defending the ball screens that French Rejection set for Naz Reid. My goodness. Chris Finch was putting a bounty on Tom Riddle and Naz Reid was the one to collect the reward. On one of the converted field goals from Naz attacking Tom Riddle packpedaling like a faggot, Naz talked some mess to Tom. Tom looked to the dipshit refs and was like, “Guys, can you call a technical on Naz? He clearly just cursed at me?”
Tom was crashing out all over the place, and he had every right to. Josh Kroenke really fucked up his career and Tom knows it. Hopefully, Tom can find his way out of Dodge since his contract is coming to an end soon. Tom should risk it all and go to Los Angeles so that he can play with his friend Lord Luka. Fuck, that would be so delicious! That would be real living!
Pistons 🚗 (-4.5) over MAGIC 🪄
- I like how it hurts to pick the Pistons and lose. But also, maybe Franz being out is a big deal?
RAPTORS 🦖(+4.5) over Cavaliers 🤺
- I wanted to blindly pick the Cavs, but it’s getting late in the playoff series and Little Game James does what he does. Game is in Toronto. I just see the Raptors screaming and making gritty plays in front of a raucous crowd.
ROCKETS 🚀 (-3.5) over Lakers ⭐
- I’m watching this game. I’m also overwhelmed by what I saw in Game 5. LeBron Blames is 41. I want to have the team with Amen Thompson, Tari Safari, and Jabari Smith.
