Record: 23-27
“It’s like knowing all the answers on a test the minute you sit at your desk. It’s like knowing everything’s going to be okay for the rest of your life. You’re going to ace. You’re going to be fine. You’ll walk around forever, feeling relieved, because you won.”
“That’s what it’s like.”
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But to get there, you have to get blocked twelve times by The Wembanyama. But each time you get humiliated by The Wembanyama, you feel the embarrassment a little less. At around the sixth block, you really start to become indifferent to The Wembanyama making you look like a toddler. By block ten, you start having a twisted joy in getting rejected. You start playing mind games with yourself like, “Getting blocked feels good. Look at the Trail Blazers. They couldn’t even bother to try and look at where they are. Stuck with Tom Dundon borrowing against the equity of the basketball team so that he can fund Oregon lobbyists to institute a new tax so that he doesn’t have to pay for t-shirts at a playoff game. You know what? I feel good about myself. I see everyone else not being brave and courageous like me and I’m not going to be like that. If I never make a layup again, I’ll be OK. Because I know that I legitimately tried. And if that’s not good enough, fuck you. That’s your fault. Not mine. I’m a true hero.”
Are we still talking about getting blocked by The Wembanyama?
It’s worth it. That feeling. And the really fucked part about it is that once you get there, people start seeing it because it’s staring them right in the face and everyone instantly recognizes it as soon as it gets remotely close to them. At that point, the point when you least need it, opportunities for more of it ceaselessly present themselves to you because you already have it.
You only need to get this feeling once. Once the mythology of this feeling becomes real, you become mentally conditioned to treat it like something that’s possible instead of something that Dennis Lehane wrote about.
Cherish this feeling! Many people say that it doesn’t last. People trying to drown you in their bullshit tell you that it “changes”. Those are the pussies who felt it leave and we’re too chickenshit to start over. Fuck those people. You have it and you need to just live in this moment. I’m telling you that the Spurs firehose is about to get spewing again and you just have to hope and pray that Anthony Edwards doesn’t tear his ACL because he’s really trying to do that right now.
What an excellent game. Captivating television that we needed our Esteemed Editor to guide us towards. When you don’t know which NBA Playoff Game to watch, pick the Bestern Conference. It’s been true for thirty years and unless Cooper Flagg decides to be a true American hero and sign the qualifying offer to leave Miriam Adelson, it will continue.
Did Terrence Shannon really start in that game and have some moments that made us love him more? Did Terrence show us steadfast determination and true grit? Did Terrence go out onto the court and play like the fastest dude playing? Of course he did. Motherfucking Terrence Shannon just keeps going out there in the playoffs and doesn’t stop making me look like an undeniable basketball savant. Do I text Eman and remind him that I fucking told his ass about Terrence Shannon the second after the draft ended and he was drafted after pick 20? Of course. Listen, we have to cherish the moments where we are proved prescient. They’re the minority and your brain is programmed to stay on the moments that could come back to kill you. Fuck you God, not today bitch!
That second block that The Wembanyama had on Terrence Shannon was absolutely a goaltend. The dipshit refs called precisely zero goaltending violations on The Wembanyama. Does that make sense to you? Twelve blocks and zero goaltends? Listen, what’s really important for being a dipshit ref at the highest level are: (1) being a fun guy who is agreeable. So… not me. Not someone who makes free basketball write-ups and prominently features caustic diatrabes regarding the Oligarch Owners like Tom Dundon and Miriam Adelson. If you want to be a great dipshit ref, you say “yes sir, no sir”. (2) You can memorize the rulebook and use exact content to explain why a call was made. People calm down when you recite the rulebook because no feeling trumps the feeling of not wanting to talk about legislated rules. (3) Karate hand signals. Shout out James Williams.
Notice how “being courageous and having a dick” wasn’t a top-3 aspect of being a dipshit ref? Of course you did.
Chief among these dipshit refs is this Marc Davis asshole. It’s always a screaming signal when a dipshit ref is ok with wearing black shoes with a huge white Nike symbol. The shoes have always been all-black but now dipshit refs are allowed to have Nike symbols be white. Of course Marc wants a Nike symbol on his shoes. Marc is here to present himself as stylish. He’s not here to dispense justice.
So the shoes are a problem with Marc. The other problem is that he makes these wrong calls and has to look so sure about it. I hate that. Yes, I know that it’s not great to show uncertainty because the players and coaches will feed on that and get more upset. I understand that. But seeing Marc Davis refuse to call travel on Stephon Castle after Stephon stops on his last step driving to the basket (and then taking a “hop step” after completely stopping on one foot), is NOT GREAT! The Spurs got such a hometown whistle Jesus Christ. But yeah, Marc Davis just has to keep this look on his face that he’s the absolute authority on truth and it really pisses me off. He had that look on his face after he called a timeout for the Wolves during a loose ball where no one had possession. The broadcast was muted but Black Falcon made a face like “What the fuck, no one had possession, why was a timeout called?” Black Falcon has credibility. When he gets upset about a call, he’s probably right.
Jaden McDaniels had what is probably the best reaction to the dipshit refs trying their best to fuck up the called fouls in favor of San Antonio. After one of the dipshit refs called a foul on him against Stephon Castle, Jaden just stood up, looked the calling dipshit ref in the eye, and calmly said, “That’s bad” in a calm,quiet, sure way that really brought home the point that the dipshit refs were calling a bad game. Are we starting to love Jaden McDaniels?
Did Anthony Edwards have a moment where he demanded a challenge and didn’t get it? Yes. This one was for Terrence Shannon getting called for a foul because he poked the ball out of The Wembanyama’s grasp on a drive to the rim. It was all ball but the dipshit refs (we think it was Marc but we’re not super sure) gave The Wembanyama a bank bailout.
Mah nigga Terrence Shannon had his moments though! Don’t be fooled by his terrible plus-minus. Even with the dipshit refs not giving him that goaltend on The Wembanyama at the beginning of the game, Terrence Shannon absolutely got some calls. Terrence lowkey gets superstar calls and it’s crazy because for most of the season, Chris Finch wasn’t playing him! Terrence really just came off of not regularly playing, to kind of delivering in the Bestern Conference Semifinals! Mah dawg! Out here getting GMR! Never doubt that Terrence Shannon is going to be a warrior from start to finish.
What superstar calls did Terrence receive? Well, he absolutely gets called blocking fouls when he drives to the rim with Stephon Castle guarding him. Terrence gets those free throws. Terrence Shannon got the dipshit refs to call a charge on The Wembanyama instead of just swallowing their whistles. That was crazy to see in the fourth quarter after the dipshit refs refused to call goaltending while also giving The Wembanyama bank bailouts on drives to the rim.
Terrence was kind of dumb during that first half but he came through for Minnesotans in the second half. De’Aaron Fox refuses to do anything other than get blown by whenever he guards Terrence Shannon. It’s embarrassing. De’Aaron Fox was truly horrendous and his defensive effort against Terrence Shannon was a part of that. But after that first half where Terrence might have been blocked at the rim five times, Chris Finch successfully implored Terrence to start driving AND DISHING. There was an incredible wraparound pass to French Rejection. We believe that might’ve been the one where De’Aaron tried to tear off French Rejection’s head by grabbing his neck and not letting go while in the air. Fuck De’Aaron. So there was that pass, and there was the kickout to Conley in the corner at the start of the third. Conley’s defender was just watching The Wembanyama load up to block Terrence so Conley relocated to the corner and Terrence found him.
So just one assist in the box score for Terrence. Should have been two, but it felt like Terrence found the ability to drive and kick during the second half. Plus the dipshit refs owe him a goaltending call.
Did Mike Conley really make 4 threes? Did Mike Conley really have six assists and zero turnovers? Did Mike Conley really just win a road playoff game in 2026?! What is going on?!
French Rejection failed to deliver an assist for mah nigga Terrence Shannon. It was a “bad hands game” from French Rejection. He wasn’t catching the ball well. When French Rejection isn’t catching well, it feels like it effects his free throws. Obviously he went 1-5 (made a huge one during the fourth quarter) and maybe there’s no correlation. Maybe it’s just the overwhelming suspicion you get that someone who can’t catch a handoff, can’t make a free throw when they step to the line. What’s crazy is that French Rejection has a solid free-throw routine. He does that thing where you just stop, breath, and stare at the basket before shooting. The Wembanyama does that and The Wembanyama doesn’t miss free throws. Of course, French Rejection’s free throws look disgusting, but his routine should be enough to prevent 1-5 disasters like in Game 1.
Were French Rejection’s 4 missed free throws the biggest reason the Timberwolves almost pissed that game away? No, that would be Julius Randle almost having one of the most despicable choke jobs I can remember. My goodness that was so soft. Julius Randle really is the king of “I have big muscles but I’m bitch-made”. So bad. It really is a shining condemnation of Christian Brawny that Julius Randle was ok with moving him out of the way on forays towards the rim. Because Julius Randle is not ok with taking shots moving towards the rim while any Spurs player is guarding him. It’s so nasty. There was the botched layup attempt against De’Aaron Fox while De’Aaron was BEHIND Julius. There was no one in the way of Julius Randle and the rim and for some strange reason, Julius didn’t want to dunk the ball because De’Aaron Fox was looking like he was going to contest the layup from behind. So sad. Julius could’ve just dunked it but he wanted to bump De’Aaron and take a tougher-than-it-had-to-be layup. He missed. It was hard to watch. Julius Randle really looks like a homeless guy who doesn’t know what year it is when he does mess like that.
Julius missed twelve shots, shot 3-6 from the free-throw line (and the ones that went in, rattled around the rim before dropping), and had 5 turnovers. There is not a bigger “Fake Tough Guy” in the NBA than Julius Randle. That playoff run he had last year where the Wolves beat the Warriors without Basketball Jesus, and the Lakers, was fraudulent. Those teams were small, weak and slow. Those were the kind of teams that Julius Randle looks at and thinks, “OK, now it’s fine for me to dunk the ball and take shots moving towards the rim.” No wonder Julius Randle’s wife is so fat and ugly.
“Got an ugly girlfriend. Ugly girlfriend means no confidence.”
Does Jamal Crawford bring that up after Julius Randle smokes fourth quarter layups and doesn’t box out Julian Champagnie for multiple offensive rebounds in the same possession? We wouldn’t know because we mute the broadcast. Oh, or how about the time where Anthony Edwards was inbounding the ball with thirty seconds left and Julius was holding his arm up like, “Hey Anthony, just throw it high. I can prevent Devin Vassell from outjumping me from catching the ball if you just lob it over.” No, Julius Randle could not do that and it was so bad watching that. Really, these games get into crunchtime and most of the Wolves players want nothing to do with dribbling the ball up the court. Randle, McDaniels, French Rejection obviously, and Anthony Edwards is out there on a torn-up knee and he’s not one to dribble the ball up the court against heavy pressure without turning it over on his best days. Ugh. I love Terrence Shannon but he’s never been about that task either. Mike Conley is 40! You can’t ask Mike to be solely responsible for not pissing away leads during crunchtime against this Spurs defense!
Did Julius Randle make a few shots and free throws down the stretch of the fourth quarter that saved the Timberwolves? Yes. Did Julius Randle play like a little bitch and make us want to throw up? Of course. There’s something missing from Julius Randle. He’s the Cowardly Lion from the Wizard of Oz who is looking for courage that everyone else just blindly believes he has. Julius Randle is such a pussy!
But yeah, that inbounds turnover was Julius Randle’s fault. Not Anthony’s. Really, that was heroic chot-making from Anthony Edwards. No way he should’ve been playing. He had just one moment where he grabbed at his knee. He’s obviously not dunking but he’s somehow still managing to block Dylan Harper, who played like the best Spurs ballhandler, with torn-up knee ligaments. Anthony Edwards was an American Hero in Game 1. Anthony Edwards, and Naz Reid.
Naz Reid is somehow tearing his labrum every game but still finding it within himself to cross up De’Aaron Fox before finishing at the rim. Minnesota chose between Naz Reid and Nickeil Alexander and they chose Naz. Tim Connely chose correctly. A-Rod did a great job hiring Tim Connely!
Yes, De’Aaron got crossed up by Naz Reid. Really, De’Aaron’s defense was just an abomination. He gets punked by Terrence at every opportunity, and he gets dusted by giants. On offense, De’Aaron is missing every shot, dropping passes, and throwing passes to no one. It’s really grating to witness De’Aaron throw the shittiest pass possible and then start pointing and talking with an expression on his face like he was right to throw that pass and you were wrong for not being in that place. Fuck De’Aaron Fox. He’s really wearing his Sacramento Queens Stench (SQS) right now. Who are the Spurs trading him to if they don’t win the championship?
Because don’t get it twisted, Dylan Harper is the best Spurs ball-handler. Right now. It’s really incredible watching Dylan Harper jump of two feet around the rim, let God take the wheel, and find a way to convert on a layup that inexplicably didn’t get blocked by French Rejection. In thirty minutes, Dylan Harper had zero turnovers. De’Aaron had six. SQS.
Somehow none of the Spurs three “point guards” were delivering lob dunks to The Wembanyama. Sure, you can try telling us that French Rejection isn’t Cuckold Clingan, but you would be forgetting that Lord Luka beat the Wolves in 5 games because French Rejection couldn’t stop the lob. When things aren’t going right, it’s never The Wembanyama’s fault.
You watch Julian Champagnie shoot threes and you’re almost as amazed as watching The Wembanyama cross up defenders. How did no one draft Julian Champagnie?! There might not be another player who we trust to make open threes more than Julian Champagnie. Yes, he missed the game-winner. We had every ounce of belief that that shot was going down. Did Elon Musk really mentally condition Julian Champagnie to be the best shooter in the NBA? Who is a better shooter than Julian Champagnie? We don’t know! And Julian gets rebounds! Offensive rebounds! Imagine if Josh Kroenke cared about the Nuggets enough to retain a competent roster builder instead of letting him leave to Minnesota or wherever else. Imagine if Lord Voldemort had Julian Champagnie, Devin Vassell, and Keldon Johnson on his team!
This Spurs are an excellent team. The Timberwolves are just steadfastly attacking the rim and hoping that some kind of intangible benefit comes from relentlessly going for layups in the face of constant rejection. The Timberwolves looked at the Trail Blazers and saw a team that they vowed to never be. Chris Finch saw Cuckold Clingan take eight threes every game and told Terrence, “Terrence, we’re living and dying trying to convert at the rim. You’ll get rejected a lot. Don’t ever forget that I’m with you. I believe in you. If we’re going to do this, we’re going to do this how God intended. By winning around the rim. The odds are stacked against you, but don’t ever stop trying.”
Terrence Shannon found that feeling.
PISTONS 🚗 (-3.5) over Cavaliers 🤺
- Teams coming off of a Game 7 don’t usually cover the next Game 1. I watched the Cavs against Toronto and they’re fighting against themselves when they play Evan “King Theoden” Mobley and Jarrett “Wormtongue” Allen together. I just can’t believe that a team refusing to play it’s best version of itself will win this series. I’m probably watching this game.
THUNDER ⛈️ (-15.5) over Lakers ⭐
- This is where the Lakers party gets swept.
